Ad Astra Per Aspera
by distorted focus
Summary: In the wake of the assault on the Illusive Man's base and the completion of the Crucible, the pressure seems to be weighing down on Shepard. She is trying to fight her fears and worries, while her relationship with Garrus has to face more than the war. [A tale of Paragon Shepard & Garrus pairing during Mass Effect 3, possible OOC, much fluff provided]
1. Escape

**I. Escape **

The utter and ghostly silence of outer space enveloped the Normandy like a velvet blanket, as she was floating in orbit of Alchera. The starship's long and slightly arched front reflected distant starlight on its metallic plates as well as the faint blue glow from the planet below. Carbon and water-ice made Alchera glow with the light of the system's star, like a pale milky marble.

On starships, there was no discernable night or day period, but on distant Earth, it would have been the middle of the night somewhere. It seemed as if the quiet atmosphere had seeped into the ship from outer space, leaving only the constant hum of the engines or an occasional rumble. Crew members had long ago named these sounds the "breaths" of the Normandy, because her engines where much more quiet than those of other ships, almost like the deep breaths of some giant sea creature.

Construction of the Crucible was to be completed in the next few days, and the Commander had set course for this empty system, ordering all of them to get some rest before their final battle. They were supposed to leave for the Citadel next day, to hand the Normandy over for retrofitting. People were battered by bad news, deaths of loved ones and war since the Reapers had arrived, and they needed to relax one last time. Hope isn't a flower blooming in adversity, Shepard had told them. It's a plant that will wither if not attended to, by yourself or by the ones close to you. She wasn't so sure anymore that she believed those romantic words herself.

Since the construction of the Crucible had begun, she had felt a progressive restlessness building up inside of her. It wasn't that Shepard hadn't willingly put herself into danger to protect the galaxy from destruction by the Reapers, because she had. Ever since the pursuit of Saren, her death by the hands of the Collectors, the resurrection by Cerberus, fighting the Collectors once more, and building an alliance against the Reapers… there always had been little hope, but she had clung to it like a drowning man to driftwood. This wasn't fear. It felt more like a growing realization that…

Layra Shepard turned away from the windows of her quarters overlooking Alchera's silent, ice-blue surface. An empty bed with rumpled sheets greeted her, surrounded by datapads. The room was dimply lit, but she navigated through the mess around her bed like a sleepwalker with odd precision. He hadn't come. Some small part of her sleep-deprived mind had hoped he would visit her, he would surely understand the signs, or at least see that something was wrong, but… It's better if he doesn't see it until it's too late, her rational side warned. He would try something funny, that hot-headed turian mate of yours, reassured the joking part, the one he always managed to lure out in conversations. You will regret this, said the sad voice nearest to her heart. Shepard looked at the small device that was almost hidden underneath the ravaged sheets. It hadn't been easy to acquire, but knowing the greatest thief in the galaxy sure helped to get things that weren't exactly legal.

After a few minutes of staring-contest with her bed, she finally crossed the room and stepped up to the holographic wardrobe. Absent-mindedly she typed in her wishes, and a compartment slid open with a hiss to reveal a special thermic undersuit. Shepard put it on without really knowing what her limbs were doing, her thoughts being elsewhere during this fully automated procedure. The undersuit was a gift from Liara, its lightness and comfortable fit a unique design. She paused for a moment, then slipped into her N7 hoodie and casual pants.

Suddenly her behaviour struck her as the clandestine thing it really was and she felt a sting of shame. But since she had never done something like this before… it was no surprise it felt uneasy. With a sigh Shepard took her old dog tags from the stand on her desk. They were almost burned beyond recognition by either the heat of the fire or the coldness of space – or maybe both. She put the tags into the pocket of her hoodie. With one last look at the group photo of her squadmates sitting on its designated shelf, she stepped out of her quarters.

Roaming the Normandy when most of its crew was fast asleep had always been one of her favourite occupations. Of course, usually some people were awake. But today, it seemed that everyone had followed her orders to rest. Shepard strode through the empty command deck like a ghost, the shoe fabric of her undersuit making next to no sound on the smooth metallic floors.

Well, not everyone. There was still an ever vigilant person she had to put to sleep. Approaching the pilot seat she saw Joker had set his beloved chair into a horizontal position. His head had slumped to the side and despite there was no sign of it, a vivid picture of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth came to his Commanders mind. Jokers light snoring filled the air as next to him, EDI turned to face her. Shepard put a finger on her lips to silence her, before the AI could start to speak with her ringing voice. If Joker woke up, everything would be ruined. Layra didn't know if EDI had enhanced hearing in her synthetic body, but nevertheless she wasn't going to risk waking Joker. She leaned close to the AI, who now had a look of mild surprise on her face.

"EDI… I don't want to wake Joker, he looked dead on his feet in the last few days.", she began in a low voice. The surprise in EDIs face turned into something that looked like concern, and she simply nodded. "Now that I think of it… it's time for your updates and backups.", she noted further. It was hard to read the AIs face most of the time, but now she saw something that was even harder to recognize. Suspicion, maybe?

"Commander…", she began, her mechanical voice kept to a whisper for Jokers sake, but Shepard put her hand up to silence her again.

"We have a fight ahead of us. You should be in the best shape possible, EDI. To Standby, this is an order." For a moment, the AI seemed to contemplate what she said. Thank God she was still not human – or organic in any way, otherwise she may have recognized the hollow excuse to shut her down and the emotional turmoil Shepard was in. EDIs eyes flickered and were in the process of closing, when Shepard remembered to add a last comment.

"But keep an eye out for incoming threats. Standby on anything else. And take your time… Backup everything."

"Yes, Commander. Logging you out. AI is on Standby. Defence mechanisms intact." With a louder than usual buzzing sound that made Shepard want to strangle her, EDI closed her eyes and moved no more. Joker stirred in his sleep and mumbled something about "shooting some big gun", but thankfully he didn't wake up. Shepard watched the monitor in front of EDI initiating the backup protocol. Backupping _everything _should take a while. She had time.

The mess hall was abandoned and empty. The silence painfully reminded Layra of the time when the Collectors abducted her whole crew to feed them to the human Reaper they were building. Even Mess Sergeant Gardner was absent. It felt strangely deserted without the voices of crew members busting Gardner's tail about his bad cooking, or talking about recent events… or just having a drink together.

Before she knew it, she had walked up the steps to the corridor she knew perfectly well. The door leading to the main battery stood before her, and suddenly she felt a rush of uncertainty wash over her like a mighty wave. The door became transparent before her inner eye, and she could almost see Garrus standing in front of the console he was so fond of, going after his favourite hobby: calibrating the Normandy's giant guns.

The urge to see him was almost overwhelming, not unlike the pull of a magnet. She was quite sure that he was sleeping, but also knew that the turian sleep was as light as that of a predator – always ready to strike, even while resting. A familiar memory of Garrus jumping like a wildcat the first few times that she moved during her sleep made her smile. He got used to it, eventually. Shepard took a breath of courage and touched to door controls, which made the plates disassemble with a small hiss.

Dim red light filled the room as usual, the batteries and machinery humming a well known song in perfect unison, making her heart leap. A broad shape wrapped in a rough blanket lay on a small cot at the far side of the room. She had never understood how he was able to sleep on that abomination of a bed, but she supposed that his hard turian carapace and skin plates made him immune to the need of something soft to lie down on. He probably wouldn't mind sleeping on a rock, for all she knew.

"Why do you like the main battery so much?", she heard her own voice ask as she remembered one of their conversations. His arms had been wrapped around her, his face buried in her long hair. There was no war, no Reapers, no utter destruction threatening the galaxy, and no crushing weight on her shoulders. She was encased inside a warm, slightly rough cocoon that Garrus had built her with his being. It had been bliss.

"I remember telling you that turians didn't like the cold…" Layra felt his mandibles twitch slightly as he spoke in a soft voice. "Where was that again? Right, that spiritforsaken planet where we almost had our asses frozen off…" There was that joking, slightly challenging hum in his sub-harmonics that always made her smile.

"The main battery is warmer than the rest of the ship. It feels… like home." Shepard felt his chest expand as he took a deep breath, and she could feel a talon striding playfully through her open hair. Before their first night together, she had never seen what turians looked like underneath their suits or armor. Garrus had nervously told her that he had blunted the talons on his fingers to avoid hurting her. From the moment when his hand had touched her hair for the first time, he seemed to be obsessed with it. She only ever wore it open during sleep, but she could absolutely be sure that she would wake up with three fingers buried in the locks at the back of her head.

The comforting memory fading from her thoughts, Garrus' shoulder was rising and falling with the deep breaths of sleep. Shepard leaned forward, fully knowing the risk of waking him, but unable to resist the intoxicating scent of his skin. It was a mixture of rich earth, the highly precise polish he used to clean his sniper rifle, and something unique that she couldn't really specify. Whenever she smelled it, a dozen thoughts filled her head at the same time. The distinct clicking sound of a thermal clip being pushed into a rifle. The never-changing red glow of streetlamps on Omega. Tall pillars of a long forgotten civilization on a distant world. Being a child again, sliding down a treacherous ridge and landing on soft, green moss. Fighting the yearning to slip beneath the blanket and inhale this scent all night long was like struggling with an overmighty enemy.

Too late Layra noticed that she had forgotten to tie her hair into a tight knot before leaving her quarters, and before she knew it, a few strands got loose to brush against the side of his face. She pulled back immediately, choking down a yelp of shock, but he already stirred from the light touch. Why was she always so reckless when it came to him? Staying longer would definitely endanger her plans… It took her more willpower to turn away from him, than being a galaxy-saving first human Spectre, facing the horrors of the Collector base, and even fighting against Sovereign.


	2. Perplexity

**II. Perplexity **

It was definitely her scent. Probably the dream was going to be better than he thought it would. She had once told him that humans dreamt a lot, but for turians it was a rare event. So now that it had arrived, why was it fading so quickly? It had been so real that he could still smell her, and even feel her soft hair against his face… He wanted to punch the intruder who had ripped him from these comforting sensations by activating the door controls. But something was not right.

With the swiftness only someone who had lifelong military training could manage, Garrus was fully awake. He inhaled the still lingering scent, so faint, that a human wouldn't have been able to notice it. Shepard had been here, but she left. Probably only seconds ago. Usually she didn't do such a secretive thing, but Garrus knew her to be a woman who sometimes had some crazy ideas. On the other hand… her behaviour had changed in the last few weeks, and he was getting more and more worried. Smiles that followed his jokes became rare or, if they occurred, didn't look entirely real.

Hell, here he was again, suddenly speculating about human mannerisms. Falling in love with a human was one thing, something that he was pretty sure he could have… defused over time. Turians were, after all, good at rationalizing things, thinking in tactical schemes… Then again, Garrus wasn't exactly a stereotype of his species. And the point was rendered moot when Shepard had gone and jumbled his military soberness up by looking beyond all of that, and reciprocating his feelings. Now he was stumbling through this awkward human-turian-lovestory mess like a drunk trying to avoid bumping into people in a crowd.

At the beginning, he had been too nervous to notice what he was doing (or saying) half of the time, and had spent the other half trying to read her reactions. Eventually, he was getting better. But obviously not observant enough to notice that something was very wrong with his… girlfriend. As Garrus put on his casual clothes, his visor told him that it was way past Normandy "bedtime", a few hours had passed since Shepard had practically ordered them to get some rest.

Was this the first time she had visited him without him noticing? They spent nights together every now and then, when the missions or different duties weren't interfering too much. Those nights were the rare occasions when her smiles still felt honest and real.

Reapers, utter destruction of the galaxy, rallying every race, resource and fleet that existed… An overwhelming responsibility that couldn't possibly be grasped by a mortal mind, and still she spread hope everywhere she went. When he left the main battery and stepped into the mess hall, Garrus had a creeping realization. It was exactly this responsibility, this burning wish to keep everyone believing, that was slowly draining the life from her. The biggest force in the galaxy has conspired to kill Shepard, but what really _was_ going to end her was the need to live up to ridiculously high expectations. _Even I enable this process by turning to her for guidance,_ he thought bitterly.

The sudden urge to talk to her about this feeling made his steps quicken and punch the elevator controls impatiently. A deserted bridge greeted him at the CIC. Not even Specialist Traynor was in her usual spot, and almost all of the displays were dimmed. The galaxy map flashed as he walked by the podium Shepard always stood on to navigate the Normandy.

Garrus' sensitive ears could make out a faint snoring sound coming from the cockpit area, Joker's sanctuary. So that guy actually slept in his pilot chair. Just like Shepard had less than an hour earlier, he approached the snoring pilot seat. When EDI didn't turn to address him, he noticed that she was leaned back with her eyes closed. Did AIs… sleep? No, that was nonsense; even an unshackled AI like EDI couldn't get this close to organic behaviour. Besides, they certainly didn't _need _to rest.

"EDI?" he said without making an effort to keep his voice low. He had a nagging idea that this deadly silence all over the ship wasn't just a coincidence. This wasn't the time to be considerate, so he placed a hand on Joker's shoulder and shook him – maybe a bit too fiercely.

"Joker, EDI.", he repeated even louder. That did the trick. Joker winced and let out a terrified groan at the look of a towering turian standing right above him, while EDI just opened her eyes in mild surprise.

"Shit, Garrus! You almost scared the living crap out of me!" He tore himself loose from Garrus' grip and took a deep breath. "Not to sound offensive, but an angry turian sure as hell isn't the first thing I want to see when I wake up."

"I'm not angry." Garrus noted. "…yet.", he added after a pause. Joker just snorted.

"You turians always look angry, just look at you! I wonder how the Commander can even tell whether you are smiling or preparing to take a bite out of her…" Before Garrus could give him a retort to that joke, EDI cut in.

"They smile by flaring their mandibles, Jeff." But Joker had already turned to the ship controls and was mumbling angrily about lost dreams of delicious sushi.

"Is there something you need, Officer Vakarian?", she continued, ignoring Joker.

"I figured that Shepard would be up here somewhere. Could you tell me where she is? I just wanted to talk to her." EDIs face went blank for a few seconds, a look that Garrus knew she got while searching for something specific that required her "other body" inside the ship. It took longer than he expected, and when she was finished, the AI looked… anxious.

"I'm not sure how to phrase this.", she said. Garrus had never seen her so unsettled, which worried him… a lot. "The Commander is not aboard."

"What?" Jokers and Garrus' voices mingled in surprise.

"What do you mean, she is not aboard?" He knew what it meant, of course – but that didn't make it easier to believe.

"It means that my sensors aren't picking up the Commander's life signs or body pattern from anywhere on this ship. She is not here."

"Call the crew. Wait – no, wake Tali and Liara. Let the rest of them sleep, until we figure out what… what happened." On the outside he was still calm and reacted with precision, but his mind was filled with shock, and even fear. She could have been abducted, or assassinated by some unknown betrayer on the ship, tossed out of an airlock… Get it together, Vakarian, a strict mental voice that sounded suspiciously like Shepards warned him. Don't assume the worst until you have assessed the situation. He turned to EDI.

"Was a shuttle launched recently?" He was glad his voice was at its usual silky and cool tone. Only the most veteran companions (and of course Shepard herself) could have been able to pick out the panicked ring in his sub-harmonics.

_This is what love does, Shepard. It turns a guy like me into a nervous wreck with something to lose, and the aim to make sure he doesn't. _She had smiled almost shyly when he had told her this after rescuing Ann Bryson from the Reaper forces. Most of what Shepard did was suicidal, and somehow she always managed to turn the tides in her favour. But he couldn't _not_ be afraid of losing her, no matter how good she was at dodging bullets.

"It seems one of the Kodiaks was launched a few minutes ago. It's headed planetside." EDIs voice tore him from his deep thoughts. Damn it! If he hadn't wasted all that time to contemplate… he would have been able to catch up with her. Why would she come to the main battery, then leave unnoticed to take a shuttle – again in secret.

Liara and Tali arrived almost at the same time. While Liara radiated her typical asari wisdom and serenity – a trait that often unnerved Garrus (although it was understandable for a being that outlived most of the other races by centuries never to lose its temper) –, Tali looked ruffled… or even grumpy. Her movements seemed a bit sketchy, and she was constantly fidgeting with laces on her suit while walking up to him.

"Is there a specific reason why you had this annoying AI wake me up in the middle of… the night, Garrus? Maybe you would like me to introduce you to Chatika again – or my shotgun."

"I was told you can have a temper, Tali, but setting the drone on him? He wouldn't last a minute." Although Liara didn't smile, her voice sounded like she was trying to make a joke.

"Remind me to get back to you about that, Liara. But I didn't call you here for fun… When have you two last seen Shepard?" The two of them shared a look of surprise at the question.

"After the debrief, she visited me in engineering, but only to tell me that I should take her order to rest seriously. She even had this cosy bed set up for me in the room below the engine core… Shepard knows that I love the hum of a ship's drive core. It's like a lullaby… I slept like a dead person." She paused to glare at Garrus from behind her mask. "Until you woke me up."

"Something very similar happened to me. Shepard came to my cabin and warned me to set my work aside for a few hours. She said she would unmask me as the Shadow Broker if I touched another data slot today. Although I think it was a joke, it didn't seem wise to disobey her. And the piano music she brought me was soothing..."

"She had this all planned.", Garrus managed to say as the realization struck him. He didn't notice the puzzled looks of his companions, rather talking to himself than to them. It was Joker who cleared the misunderstanding.

"So the Commander… snuck away? That doesn't sound like her. Sounds more like something I would do."

"Shepard left?", Tali addressed Garrus, but the turian was lost in deep thought, now prowling around in a small circle like a caged animal.

"Yes. The Commander departed the Normandy in one of the Kodiak shuttles twenty earth-minutes ago. My readings tell me that the shuttle has by now landed on Alchera.", EDI answered instead. Garrus finally stopped prowling, and this time, nobody could have overheard the sarcasm in his flanging voice.

"Can anyone tell me, how it was possible for the Commanding Officer of the galaxy's most advanced starship to sneak off for a little joyride to an unhabitated planet, right under all of our noses?"

"I can understand why you would blame me for not noticing this, Officer Vakarian. But the Commander ordered me to do an extensive backup and set me to Standby shortly before she left.", EDI explained, and Garrus had to admit that she actually looked guilty.

"He's not blaming you, EDI. This is how he acts when he is upset, he gets sarcastic. He's actually blaming himself." Tali inclined her head toward Garrus' broad back, which he now had turned to them to look out of the Normandy's front windows.

"When it comes to Shepard, he _can_ be pretty frightening… Worse than facing an angry krogan…", Liara whispered behind her hand.

"I see. So Jeff's stories about turian predatory behaviour concerning sexual conquests are true."

"You know I can hear you, right? I'm standing right here." Garrus said angrily. "You women make me want to join Shepard down there."

"Technically, I am not a woman, Garrus." Liara's voice dead serious, with only the slightest hint of a joke.

"Technically, me neither.", EDI added.

"I am." As Garrus' shoulders slumped and he let out a low, almost rumbling sigh, Tali coughed artificially. "Still… I'm worried about Shepard. It seems she deliberately organized for the whole ship to be asleep, so that she could escape without being detected."

"She has us all figured out, hasn't she? Telling EDI to do a backup, bringing me my favourite music, giving Tali a bed near the drive core… What did she tell you, Garrus?" Their old friend turned to face them with folded arms, mandibles pulled tightly against his face.

"Nothing. I didn't see her after the debrief. She was in the main battery while I was asleep, but… she clearly didn't want me to notice her." He was aware that the emphasis on the "I" gave his tone a jealous edge. Shepard had visited all of them separately, only not him. He felt a sting of hurt that she didn't even consider telling him what was wrong. He could have understood if she needed time to figure whatever it was out on her own. But leaving him completely out of the equation, just checking if he was asleep in secret and then sneaking off like a thief… after she had put such effort into reassuring the others… Yes, it was probably the oddest situation, but he was jealous.

"That makes sense.", Liara interrupted his brooding. Garrus raised his browplates questioningly. "How does it make sense… at all?" The asari seemed awkward and looked to Tali for help. Was there some weird reasoning that he was missing?

"You wouldn't have let her leave.", Tali stated a bit impatiently. "If she had visited you like she did with us, you… come on Garrus, don't make me say this. It's awkward."

"He would have made the Commander spend the night. And I'm sure there would have been no sleep. Though I always wondered, Garrus, how exactly…"

"Joker!", Liara cut across him. Her cheeks had turned a darker blue – probably the asari version of blushing.

"Right…" His mandibles twitched as he felt genuine relief. Worrying about Shepard's unusual behaviour had somehow lead him to doubt her feelings for him... Love didn't take the same paths as logic, fairly simple and easy to follow. It walked down dark alleys of doubt, and at the same time soared above the highest pillars of happiness. _I could be a poet after I retire from this war_, he mused. Though he was pretty sure that he had read those lines somewhere while studying human literature.

"Good to know that she simply tricked me like everybody else. I feel reassured." To the surprise of his companions, it sounded like he was only half joking. Leaning closer to Joker, he added, "Maybe I'll tell you over a drink sometime." After that, Garrus turned back to the surface of Alchera, thoughtful again.

"Crafty woman… You thought of everything. But why?"

"It seems like a lot of effort just to be alone for a few hours… She could do that in her personal cabin. Nobody would disturb her if she doesn't want them to.", Tali speculated, but Liara shook her head.

"It's not that easy. On the ship, there is a constant flow of messages from fleets all over the galaxy, duties that are too pressing to ignore. And of course EDI. I don't mean to insult you, EDI… I just think that, even in her cabin, Shepard is never truly alone. If for some reason she wanted to be… taking a shuttle to an abandoned planet sounds like a good choice."

"This may seem like a wild idea, but why not just contact her over commlink?", Joker questioned.

"She went through all of this to be alone, Joker. Do you honestly think she wants us to chime in through her comm half an hour after she left? That would be like kicking down a large "Do not enter" sign. I doubt she would even answer.", Tali said.

"What's down there, EDI? Why this planet?", Garrus asked calmly.

"Alchera is the planet where the SSV Normandy SR-1 crashed after the attack of the Collectors ship three years ago. The Commander was asked by Admiral Hackett to place a Memorial on the crash site not long after she… returned."

"I don't remember a mission assignment being posted about that…", Garrus contemplated.

"You couldn't possibly, because you never got one. The Commander placed the Memorial before going after Archangel – I mean, you. She went down there all alone. I still remember the spooked look on her face when she returned… Holding all those dog tags from fallen crew members in her hands…", Joker reflected, looking serious for once.

"I can only imagine how it must have felt like for her to be down there, by herself. She had always taken her vow to protect the crew more seriously than others. Then she literally dies together with her ship, and comes back to most of her crew gone. It must have felt like…" Liara's voice trailed off, her eyes now turned to the planet's surface too.

"Pure solitude.", Garrus finished her sentence. Both Liara and Tali were shocked by the sadness with which he uttered the words, for they have never heard this tone from him before.

"Why would she willingly go down there again? She used to say that we have to let the "ghosts of the past rest", in order to find peace.", Tali said.

Garrus turned around to find that everyone present was looking at him as if he had the answer to this question. He had been with Shepard the longest, and she trusted him enough to share most of her feelings with him. During the nights they spent together, they often whispered words of affection to each other, or shared stories about their lives before they had met. He remembered the day she had first told him that she loved him, on the top of the Presidium. _The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable, was knowing you were out there. _

If he was to be her strength, he would gladly work himself to complete exhaustion. But not even once had she actually said that she was afraid. That it was too much. It was always _bearable_. Something about that struck him as unnatural, and now it seemed that his instinct had been right. It slowly dawned on him, that Shepard had specifically avoided certain subjects even in their most intimate moments.

For example, he knew that Cerberus had "put her back together" after the attack on the Normandy, but whenever he asked her about the time between her resurrection and meeting up with him on Omega, she cleverly changed the subject. Of course he couldn't have known about Alchera, because it fell into that blank spot. And then there was that weird situation with Kaidan… He hadn't asked her about Kaidan, he knew better than that. She had said that she loved _him_, and he believed her without second thought. But for some reason, she looked ashamed every time Kaidan and Garrus were in a room together. She even miraculously vanished and turned up again later.

Finally, what happened with Thessia… Garrus had never seen Shepard downcast like that before. Or angry like that. For a brief moment, she had been on the verge of giving up. No fight in his whole life – and he had seen many – had scared him as much as the look in her eyes. Back on the Normandy, she had gathered herself again, but she wasn't the same as before.

This war was slowly killing her, stripping the incredible life-force from the woman he loved bit by bit, until there would be nothing left. _There is only so much fight left in a person, before…_ He wanted so badly to cheer her up, but the only thing he was confident about was making her smile with his jokes. Was this his fault? Should he have pursued those issues further, instead of giving in to her seemingly endless resolve?

"Garrus.", Tali's voice intercepted, as if she was reading his mind. "You couldn't have known."

"She's right. I believe that Shepard didn't even intend for us to find out about her little trip. I'm assuming she would have come back before we even noticed she was gone.", Liara mused.

"The reason she went down there was not just to be alone for a few hours. She is deeply… unsettled. Disturbed about something. And she didn't want to make us worry, so she went to – how do humans call it? – fight her inner demons on her own." Garrus set his talons onto the navigation panel and leaned forward. With his head lowered, he reminded Liara of a proud warrior after admitting a grave defeat.

"Shepard has stood by our side in our darkest moments. How about we repay that favour to her now?" He straightened up and faced them with his piercing blue eyes, although he didn't need to ask in the first place.

"Help me find out what's wrong, and set it straight." All of them nodded at once.

"Now you're talking! Let's get us our Commander back!", Joker was already typing something on his console.

"Actually I meant the two veteran squadmates, not…", Garrus began, but Joker waved him off.

"Don't say anything you'll regret, Vakarian. I got EDI on my side, and she knows just about everything. Right, EDI?"

"As a matter of fact, I might be able to offer assistance. Although I don't have recordings from the timespan the Commander ordered me to go to Standby, I can provide extensive information about her activities before that, as long as they were on the ship or on missions.", EDI pointed out.

"Has there been anything unusual about Shepard in the past few weeks, like… something that may indicate emotional turmoil, or maybe important news about the war?", Liara inquired.

EDI contemplated the question for a long, silent moment.

"The Commander received hundreds of messages containing the developments of war. As for human emotional turmoil, I regret to say that my sensors would be insufficient to pick up such a progress. But there has been a request by the Commander that I found slightly odd."

"What was it?", Garrus asked, suddenly clairaudient.

"She had me record her brainwaves during sleep. I was to recreate the image material from her brainwave patterns, but she specifically limited the recording to nights she spent alone.", EDI explained.

"Shepard was recording her dreams." Liara turned to Garrus, who's brow was furrowed after hearing this relevation. He seemed to have some kind of suspicion.

"Tell me more about her sleep patterns, EDI.", he finally said.

"Since the beginning of my recordings, her usual sleep pattern was about four to five hours a night-cycle, but during critical mission timespans she only slept every two or three days. Throughout the last few weeks, the Commander's time spent sleeping diminished greatly and the brainwave patterns in these short periods deteriorated. The most extensive periods of undisturbed rest were encountered during your visits, Officer." Awkward silence followed EDI's last explanation, until Liara cleared her throat.

"So Shepard suffers from insomnia.", she concluded.

"Excuse me?", Tali and Garrus were both confused, so Liara moved to elaborate.

"A mental disease fairly common in humans, it means the inability to fall asleep, or stay asleep as long as desired. Turians are probably too practical to experience it, and asari… well let's say we have a different way of dealing with our issues. I don't know about quarians, there is little record about your sleep patterns." Tali shifted from one foot to the other.

"We lose sleep over problems too, but not enough to name a disease after it. This is serious, though. Shepard can't sleep, and she is obviously having nightmares."

"Can we see those records you made, EDI?" There was a worried tone in Garrus' sub-harmonics.

"The Commander had me delete the records from my database, but she downloaded and sealed them on a device in her personal quarters. If you wish to access them, you should visit there. Although I must warn you that entering her quarters uninvited and looking through her personal files may be seen as an invasion of privacy."

"She knew what she was getting into by choosing a turian known for disobeying rules as her boyfriend.", Garrus remarked with a slight flare of his mandibles. Together with Tali and Liara, he set off to the elevator. When they were out of earshot, Joker turned to EDI and folded his arms.

"That's not a smile, that's the grin of a predator."

"I never said they weren't the same thing.", the AI answered in a dead serious tone.

"A joke?", the pilot asked hopefully.

"Only 50%."


	3. Memento

**III. Memento**

Shepard's personal quarters looked like a battlefield on their own. Datapads were scattered almost everywhere around (or on) her bed at the far end. The sheets were scrambled as if they had been fought with, and various blister strips of medicine lay empty on the floor. Her scent was much heavier in here than back in the main battery, and Garrus could even make out the faint, flowery smell of her perfume. When he visited her, he usually stayed in her bed for some time after she had fallen asleep, and then chose from one of her books or datapads to read through. Sometimes he slept too, of course. But her slow breaths, her scent, the soothing movement of the stars outside the window… All those things felt like sanctuary to him. Too precious to fall asleep.

Now he realized that, for her, these occasions had been the only time to find some rest. Despite being tired, she had sometimes stayed up with him to have long conversations, or read one of her favourite pieces together, or play chess on the set she brought back from Omega. With both of them being tactical masterminds, those games could last for hours. And then one thing led to another…

"I've only ever been here twice…", Liara interrupted his thoughts, as she picked up one of the blister strips. "After I became the Shadow Broker, Shepard invited me up here. She was worried about you, Garrus. She feared that you have lost your way… I asked her what she was really fighting for. If it was to give you peace." She paused for a moment, looking at the colourful fish that drifted through the aquarium with effortless grace. "She cared about you a lot, even back then."

"I had lost my way.", Garrus replied quietly.

"You were always too hotheaded for your own good, Garrus. But losing Shepard after we defeated Saren, it made a wreck of us all. And now look at her… A peacemaker between quarians and the geth.", Tali said.

"After accomplishing the impossible, losing Thessia… " Liara's voice faltered, and the other two looked at her.

"I had an argument with her, after we returned from the Temple of the Goddess. I was devastated to lose my home… We yelled at each other for ten minutes. I should never have blamed her for this, but… In my hurt, in my desperation, I did. Shepard calmed me down; she didn't mention the things I threw at her during those moments ever again. Now I understand how this must have felt like for her." Garrus was looking at her in disbelief.

"Liara…", he said in a voice that shook with contained anger. "How could you have blamed her for Thessia?" She moved to sit down on Shepard's bed, her expression showing deep regret.

"I didn't. Seeing my people die by the millions, I just took it out on the person who has always stood by me. Even a being of wisdom like me sometimes can't contain itself. I think that Shepard understood this. It doesn't make it right, I know that, Garrus. We lose ourselves while walking down the darkest paths in our minds. We regret hurting the ones close to us in blind hatred. They either understand and forgive, or they leave us to be devoured by our demons." Her clear eyes bore into him, and he knew exactly what she meant.

Damn her. He had yelled at Shepard once too. She had done everything to keep him from shooting Sidonis. Anger and blind revenge had clouded his judgement, and he had indeed blamed her. But Shepard remained calm. _This isn't you either, Garrus. _It hadn't been. How could he hold a grudge against Liara, if he had basically committed the same crime?

"I have blamed Shepard for bringing Legion to the Normandy. Striking an alliance with a geth, it made me want to rip Legion to pieces. She understood… and then she made me understand.", Tali said, leaning against Shepard's weapon desk.

"That's what always made her different from others… She could make people follow her through the depths of hell. Just like Miranda said…" While speaking, Garrus noticed a small device almost hidden between the bedsheets.

"Cerberus bosh'tet… Still, she was right." As Garrus picked up the device from between the rumpled sheets, Tali fell silent at once.

"Incredible…", Liara breathed at the sight of the small device. It resembled the basic forms of a pistol, but had several small displays and buttons laid into its slender corps. Garrus had no idea what purpose it served.

"Do you know what it is, Liara?", he asked, turning it in his talons.

"I never thought I would see one myself. Even in my trade as the Shadow Broker, they are extraordinarily rare." Her eyes glowed with the curiosity of a child as he handed her the device. "It's called a Graybox. Humans that have specialized implants can use it to store their memories, just like a vid. Actually, it's based on asari neurological patterns – since asari are capable of transmitting their memories to other individuals. Grayboxes are not exactly legal, though. The implants can have dangerous side-effects." She examined the graybox thoroughly.

"Shepard had her dreams recorded, and probably used this device to store her memories. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Garrus?", Tali inquired, sounding worried.

"She is preparing to die.", he said tonelessly.

"We cannot know the purpose for sure, until we haven't seen the records of the graybox. This device serves as a data drive, she probably stored memories from her implant on it. But it's encrypted. I think the password is some kind of riddle. The code says… 'A pair of twins walks side by side. When they come to a junction, a sphinx orders them to utter the same word simultaneously, for they cannot pass the junction if they do not speak in unison. They are not allowed to talk to each other. When they ask the sphinx how they are supposed to know which word the other will say, she answers: "If you are truly united as one, you will utter a word rarely spoken, filled with the gentleness only the other would know." Which word did the twins speak to pass by the sphinx?'" Silence followed Liara's readings. Tali was the first to speak.

"Excuse me, but what exactly is a sphinx?" For once, Liara seemed at a loss, and EDI answered them over the intercom instead.

"In ancient human mythology, the sphinx was a creature with the body of a lion, a predatory cat on Earth, and the head of a human. She posed riddles and devoured the ones who weren't able to answer them correctly."

"There is no way they could have thought of the same word at the same time. Even if they were twins…", Tali stated.

"Riddles aren't supposed to be taken literally. I don't think this is about actual twins. It would be impossible to think of the same word, unless the riddle is referring to twins as one person with two voices. So who do we know who has two voices, being the same person?", Liara mused.

"A turian.", Tali answered, looking at Garrus, who now seemed utterly confused.

"The voices of turians sound like two voices uttered almost at the same time – twins.", she explained. Liara handed him the device back and nodded.

"So now you have to say a word that you rarely speak, but that has something meaningful for the "other". Probably this refers to Shepard?" He knew the solution almost at once.

"Her first name… Layra.", Garrus spoke, two voices, almost undiscernibly apart, filled with gentleness that only the other would know.

The graybox whizzed excitedly, now unlocked, and Shepard's cabin faded before them to make way for a holographic projection. At first, it looked like a giant collage of thousands of images, spread out in a circle all around them. Garrus walked among them, seeing his face looking back at him in countless captions, but he also noticed others. Everyone they have ever met on their journey was there, in at least one picture.

Liara and Tali were looking around wordlessly, unable to take in the variety of memories stored within this tiny graybox. Liara held out her hand, touching one of the images of herself. The projection trembled for a second, and then a crushing feeling of sadness filled his heart. He was looking at Shepard's view of Matriarch Benezia's death. The memory played out in front of him like watching a movie, but he could feel what Shepard has felt. Empathy, in its purest form, washed over him. The loss of a mother, the one being that would always love her child, no matter which atrocities it would commit, which failures it would bring home. He felt the need to tell this to the child. A child that has sought the appreciation of its mother for all its life. _A mother is like god in a child's eyes. _As he turned to Liara, he saw that she was crying. She didn't even seem to be aware of it herself.

Tali reached out at one of the images too. The view shifted, now showing Tali standing over her father's corpse. He felt sadness and anger at the same time. The loss of a father, a protective beacon bursting with pride for his daughter. If he would taint his own hands with blood in order to protect the only person he still loved, he would do it. He felt the need to tell this to the child. A child that would feel torn about him her whole life. _A father is like the voice of reason in a child's ears. _

"Shepard…", he heard Tali say in a broken voice.

Garrus stepped up to an image of himself on the projection of the graybox. When he touched it, Shepard's memory of meeting him again on Omega unfolded before him. He watched himself remove his helmet and suddenly… something he had never thought of overwhelmed him: pure joy. _Garrus… this is Garrus…_ His heart jumped around inside his chest, and he felt like he had walked through oceans of sorrow to find a tiny piece of happiness.

When the memory went on, he saw himself take the hit from the Blue Sun's gunship missiles. Shepard was kneeling beside him, ripping open a pack of medi-gel, but she was unable to apply much of it before the gunship turned its cannons at her. A haze of rage enveloped her, the wish to kill so strong that she bit the inside of her mouth bloody in a useless attempt to quench it. She had been furious about him getting hurt – he wouldn't have wanted to be that gunship…

The hailstorm of raw biotics she rained upon it was almost frightening. Her hands moved in a blur, glowing with blue energy, and the polluted air of Omega filled with deafening warping sounds as she literally tore off a whole wing. Dropping mercs who were unlucky enough to get caught in the havoc went flying like dolls, slammed into the walls without even firing a shot. The ship staggered under the continuous assault, while Jaroth was screaming at his men. _"Get this insane biotic bitch off me! How could you have missed this killing machine?!"_

This was what she was capable of unleashing when she had no restraints… When the ship went down and she rushed to him, he had to admit, he looked bad – lying in a pool of his own blood, the whole right side of his face a mess. Fear, raw and primal, like he had rarely experienced it, gripped his heart as Shepard noticed the wound on his torso. _Don't take him away now that I found him again. Not like this. God, Goddess, Spirits, Homeworld… If there is a higher power in this galaxy… Conspire for me, just this once… Keep him alive. _

In her mind, she was praying, but in reality, she screamed at him at the same time.

"Don't you _dare_ die on me, Garrus! I will hunt you down in the afterlife, I'll haunt you until the end of days, I swear - " Despite her hands shaking violently, she pressed them against the open wound on his side, trying to stop the bleeding.

He was vaguely aware that Liara and Tali were present, witnessing the events in silence, but he didn't care. For the first time, he truly felt what Shepard had felt. Through the graybox, he _was_ her. Somewhere below the joy of seeing him again and the fear of him dying, there was a feeling weaving through her like a red thread. He was sure that he had never felt something like that before, and it was incredibly hard to describe.

"I feel like… I am not sure if I am real.", Liara voiced his thoughts.

"Like everything could vanish at any minute, and I will be back in the darkness.", Tali continued.

"Was she afraid of losing her mind?", Garrus wondered.

"No… it's rather like… a dream.", Tali said.

"Yes. When you are not sure if something is a dream or reality. She seems to have felt like that… all the time." Liara looked deeply unsettled.

"Is this what dying does to you? It's horrible…" Tali let out a sigh. In the memory, Miranda, Jacob and Shepard were struggling to drag him onto a sickbed on the shuttle.

"Goddamnit, he's heavy – we should just use our biotics to lift him.", Jacob groaned.

"You could cause collateral damage by using biotics, he took a really bad hit.", Miranda commented.

"It's the armor. He never wore this kind back when I knew him. Miranda, can you fix him? Tell me you can fix him.", Shepard's voice was almost unnoticeably trembling. She sounded unfocused on the verge of crazy. Quickly they stripped him of his armor, just in time for the shuttle doors to open. He watched as Dr. Chakwas helped push the table into the medbay and tried to keep Shepard from entering with her.

"You can't, Commander. I need absolute quiet in there.", the doctor said in a strict voice.

"Please, doctor. I won't be in your way. Just let me do something. Anything.", Shepard begged her. The doctor looked at her with a mixture of sympathy and compassion.

"Fine. You would probably only unnerve me out there, walking in circles for hours." Chakwas stepped into the medbay, joined by Miranda and Shepard. Miranda and the doctor moved the table and got to work immediately, while Shepard poured some kind of liquid into a silver bowl.

"I see you remember that old custom from your basic medical training as a soldier. We only ever used to do it on humans, though. I have to work on his chest-wound, so you can clean the one on his face." Chakwas didn't look up from her work, but Shepard stepped up to the table and soaked a clean white strip of cloth in the liquid.

"We were taught even though technology has brought us much easier ways to clean wounds during triage. I don't think the procedure was ever the point… " She wrung out the cloth and started to gingerly clean the blood and dirt from his mangled face.

"True. The point is learning to pay your respects to the wounded. A sort of cleansing ritual. Are you worried, Commander?" Garrus flinched when Dr. Chakwas directed a scalpel to cut into his side with her omni-tool.

"We will need cybernetics to patch that up, doctor. A shame that we couldn't locate Mordin Solus until now… He would be a great help fixing this. I'm curious too, Shepard. _Are_ you worried?" Miranda shot her a swift look before starting to pick certain instruments up from a table beside her with surprising precision.

Garrus could feel that her worry ran deep, but it wasn't that helpless fear that it had been before. She continued to wash his wound with almost gentle strokes, and it seemed that this ritual had a calming effect on her.

"Of course I am worried.", she said quietly.

"Turians are one tough bunch to kill, Commander. He will get through it."

_I hope you are right. _The view shifted, and he saw Shepard sitting on the couch in Miranda's office with her head turned away to look out of the ship's windows.

"Is there anything you want to tell me about you and Archangel?", Miranda asked, although Garrus could not see her.

"What are you talking about, Miranda?", Shepard said without moving her gaze.

"I rebuilt you from scratch. I know that you never lose your calm. When he got injured… you did. You would have put that gunship together again, just to literally tear it apart once more. There is more to this than simple companionship, Shepard."

"It's… complicated.", she said quietly.

"Of course it is. It's always complicated. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No… just… don't ever mention this to him. For that matter, don't mention it to anyone. None of it. Please." Shepard was clearly uncomfortable with this conversation.

"Never mention to a person how deeply someone cares about them. Somehow, you remind me of myself." Miranda's face came into view as she sat down on the couch next to Shepard. "Concerning trust, you and I are very different. I try not to trust anyone. And you… you are peculiar - put just enough trust into everyone so you can bear it if it's broken."

"I thought you said I reminded you of you.", Shepard pointed out.

"Because both approaches serve the same purpose. Everyone would think I am simply cold-hearted, and you are simply trusting. We go through incredible measures to protect that one small thing that could actually hurt us.", Miranda said with a sad smile.

"I won't tell him, or anyone. I will keep your secret, and I hope that, in return… when the day comes, you will keep mine." Shepard nodded, and there was a long moment of silence between the two women.

"Do you still think I was engineered for greatness?", Shepard smiled slightly.

"I'm glad to know that you are human, after all. But… out of curiosity. Why keep this from him?", Miranda asked, leaning back onto the couch.

"He can't know about it. For all he knows, I have just risen from the dead. He probably doesn't think I'm still me – hell,_ I_ don't even think I'm still me! Besides… there's something wrong. He is… different. Angry. Tired." She turned to the window again, and Garrus saw the reflection of her blue eyes on the glass, just before the memory dissolved.

He could almost sense Tali and Liara exchanging silent looks behind his back, but none of them spoke, as if they were waiting for his reaction.

"I didn't know…", he whispered, not sure who he was talking to. Tali took a step in his direction, but Liara raised an arm to hold her back.

"All this time wasted, and now there is none left…" He was always under the impression that Shepard saw him as a hot-headed vigilante, someone who needed careful tutoring to find the right way. At least until Sidonis…

After she pulled off not to let him shoot that betrayer, his anger had just cracked open like a shell. Had he learned nothing? Once again, he had pursued justice at all costs and somewhere on his way forgotten about his true motives. It was during this time when he first noticed that Shepard seemed genuinely worried about him.

Now seeing the truth, Garrus felt a strange mixture of affection and regret. Affection, because of the gentle way she had helped to treat him after his injury, and the realization that she never asked for something in return. She waited, worried in silence, cared in secret. This unconditional love that she kept behind closed doors while watching him go after Sidonis. That was the woman he knew. Patiently, she went along with his crazy ideas just to confront him with his true self at the very end. Shepard had known him better than anyone else, even after being gone for two years she instantly felt what was eating away at him.

But there was something she didn't know, and that was the reason he felt regret. How the news of her death had devastated him, and how he had desperately searched for a purpose to fill the void she left behind. When the merc groups conspired to bring him down, he was sure that they would succeed sooner or later, and an almost delirious tranquillity had settled inside his heart. Soon, he would join Shepard up there.

She thought that he had moved on, that he doubted her, but for once, she had been wrong. He never moved on, just walked deeper into the maddening hurt of losing her. If she had known… she wouldn't have been afraid to approach him, she wouldn't have needed to hide her worries. He could have told her that she was still herself, still strong, still capable of things no one else could do, still making people want to walk through fire with her…

And how he had missed her, all the time. And that he loved her. Garrus let out a long, drawn-out sigh. _All this wondering won't get you anywhere… _

"Garrus, you should see this.", Tali's voice sounded disturbed. As he turned around, her and Liara were standing in front the same memory caption. There was fire everywhere, and the caption showed Shepard's hand pushing Joker into an escape pod.

"The Collector's attack that destroyed the first Normandy? None of us had been present on the ship at that time.", he mused.

"Tali and I were… But we got into one of the first escape pods. I wonder what we will see…", Liara said.

"Play it.", Garrus ordered, and as soon as Tali touched the caption, a booming roar filled the Commander's cabin. The crackle of fires everywhere, shrieks from the alarms and the nerve-wrecking sound of whole tons of protective plates being ripped apart mingled into a cacophony of destruction. It was incredibly hot, and Garrus felt a sickening vertigo as the ground beneath him seemed to buckle.

"Commander!", Joker's panicked voice was almost unrecognizable in all the discord. Shepard turned her head with a quick jerk, and Garrus could see the whole magnitude of the damage: The Normandy had practically been split in two, her half-melted metallic ribs sticking into the bridge-space like knives hanging from a ceiling. His sharp look caught bloodied corpses lining the ground together with rubble, cables and burning ship-parts. And then a scorching hot beam of raw energy tore itself through the hole in the ship's heart with a deafening blast, and Joker screamed, and Shepard was ripped off her feet by the impact.

What little was holding the Normandy together snapped, and he saw Shepard being launched through the wreckage, out into dead space. With growing horror she realized that her hardsuit's pressure seals were damaged. Frantically she tried to grasp them at the back of her neck, but she knew that it was already too late. _I am going to die._

The chatter of her final thoughts was almost too much for his translator to bear, it could only pick out bits and pieces. _…should have told Liara… catch a break… So sorry, Ash … never meant to… would loved to see… the Migrant Fleet… should have explained Kaidan… don't go back… C-Sec… Garrus… stay…_ It was one thing to know she had died, but actually seeing her die…

As the air was draining from her lungs with nothing out there to replace it, her struggle slowly subsided. Shepard made a last desperate attempt to take a breath, but there was only a horrible choking sound that made Garrus flinch. She was suffocating. Her view blurred and darkened, and the last thing she felt before leaving this world was regret. Assuming that the memory would end here, Garrus wanted to turn away from this terrifying sight, but Liara interrupted him.

"Wait… It's not over. Look." The screen was black, although there were… things going on that they couldn't yet see. Pain, a lifetime of pain, but it was fading into the background like an old injury. Slowly, small dots of light materialized and rushed past them like fleeting stars. Then, strange images of their selves appeared one after the other. It seemed to Garrus that he was looking at himself from the end of a long tunnel, before his ghostly twin turned his back on him and walked away into the darkness. The others did the same, and he felt Shepard's consciousness reach out in an attempt to scream for them to stay. At the point where they all vanished, one of the small lights was getting bigger and bigger, until it enveloped everything.

Suddenly, the excruciating pain was back with all its force. The world was a blur, this blinding light hurt so much… Voices. An unintelligible mumble at first, they became clearer with time. _Am I… breathing?_

"…on the monitor… something's wrong."

"She's reacting to outside stimuli. Showing awareness of her surroundings." That was a man's voice. Panic was welling up in her. _I died. I am dead. What is happening? _

"Oh God, Miranda. I think she's waking up." Miranda? She wanted to open her mouth, to talk, to tell them that _this could not be happening_. But all the pain…

"Damn it Wilson, she's not ready yet! Give her the sedative!", a woman's voice said. As the man named Wilson was looming over her, Garrus could sense the confusion and anger inside Shepard like a mighty thunderstorm. _Who are you?_ _Where are they? Where are Liara, Kaidan, Tali and Garrus? _The face of a woman she had never seen before came into view, a beautiful woman with cold eyes.

"Shepard – don't try to move.", Miranda said, but panic was now overwhelming Shepard's mind. She reached out her hand – which Miranda just brushed off like it was a tiny fly. _Have they really left? I dreamed that they left. There was darkness, I was dead… _

"Just lie still. Try to stay calm." _Calm?! I remember suffocating, I remember dying! This can't be happening!,_ she screamed silently.

"Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts. Stats pushing into the red zone – it's not working!", the man named Wilson said frantically.

"Another dose! _Now!_", Miranda yelled. _No, no, no! Not the darkness again, please –_ But the world was fading, and a radiating numbness pulled her into oblivion.

The memory ended here, but none of the three people in the cabin moved. It was quiet as a crypt. Finally, Tali broke the silence.

"This was… horrifying."

"No wonder she felt unreal. And alone.", Liara said.

"She hid this for the same reasons she went to Alchera in secret. To keep us from worrying.", Garrus said, looking over the wall of captions on the hologram. "I'm not sure I want to see more of this."

Tali took a step to stand beside him and cautiously touched his arm with one hand.

"I know how this must feel, Garrus. Seeing how much pain the person you love went through without you knowing. But she is keeping it together thanks to you." Her voice was softer than he had ever heard it before. Liara nodded in agreement.

"The joy she felt when she saw you again… It was pure happiness. Innocent and unclouded… like a child's." The asari was smiling.

"How could I argue with you two? Fine… Let's look at those dreams Shepard recorded.", as he spoke the word "dreams", one of the captions lit up in correspondence. When he touched it, an unexpected scenery unfolded before them. Shepard was standing in an endless forest under a dim, cloudy sky. Silent wind kept blowing leaves through the air, although the trees themselves were naked and dead. Everything was more colourless than reality, painted in brown and grey, even the shrubbery that cluttered the ground.

Behind one of the benches that stood between the trees, a human boy was playing and laughing. Shepard tried to approach him, but she was moving as though in slow-motion. Before she could reach him, a distinct sound disrupted the silence – Garrus would have recognized it anywhere: the mechanic war cry of a Reaper. Red light lit up the scenery, and the boy ducked in terror for a second before running away into the distance. Shepard went after him once more. As she closed in, she held out her hand to him. Flames, seemingly coming from nowhere, enveloped the boy before she could reach him.

The following dreams they witnessed were almost identical to the first one – except that the further they went, the more smoky, shapeless figures rose to walk the forest. Strangely distorted whispers could be heard from the figures, and Garrus even heard his own voice among them.

"It's so much easier to see the world in black and white… Gray? I don't know what to do with gray…" He could make out whispers from other companions too, alive or dead.

"Someone else would have gotten it wrong.", Mordin said.

"You are a great protector. But there are things that are even beyond you.", Thane whispered.

Still, Shepard pursued the boy, and still he was always consumed by fire before she could reach him.

The memory changed again, this time showing the exact opposite of the dead forest they have seen before. Warm sunlight fell through the vibrant green treetops, to dance in unison with the light breeze that filled the air. Garrus almost choked when he saw a small turian girl sitting on one of the benches, wiggling her feet. She was too young to have markings yet, but her mandibles were stretched out in a childish smile. She was perfection, flawless in every way.

He could practically feel Shepard return her smile, walking up to meet her with happy anticipation. The girl leapt off the bench and ran away, but it felt more like a game in contrast to the scared flight of the human boy. Shepard followed her tiny figure and found her behind a tree, where she was hugging the neck of a grown-up, male turian, who had crouched down to be on eye-level with her. Garrus was looking at himself with nothing less than plain astonishment. He picked the girl up easily, which earned him a surprised giggle and a gentle bump of her forehead.

"There you are. I was getting worried.", his dream-self said with a smile.

"I played hide-and-seek with Mama.", the girl said and turned to Shepard.

"Should we go home? This rascal is probably tired.", Garrus asked her. He wouldn't have needed the graybox to feel the overwhelming happiness that filled her heart. This was her future. Her greatest dream come true… Peace, and a family… She moved to join them, but something was grabbing her hand tightly, holding her back. When she looked down, she saw the boy from her nightmares, although he was not corporeal anymore. His body was made from strings of light that wound and bent to form his shape. His eyes were empty.

"Are you sure this future will come?", he asked in a distorted voice.

"I will make it happen.", Shepard answered. The boy cocked his head almost curiously.

"Your efforts to make it happen will cost you your life.", he said.

"No… There is hope… I didn't come this far to lose my future." Shepard tried to tear herself loose, but the boy had more than human strength.

"You are a soldier. War is your destiny. You will waste away all your strength in battle, and die defending a future you cannot experience."

"Why are you doing this? Who are you?", she asked, her voice trembling now.

"You know who I am. You didn't ask the right question.", the boy answered. Garrus felt a chill run down his spine, and a sense of recognition rippled through Shepard. But for some reason, he couldn't hear her thoughts.

"Will I need to sacrifice myself to activate the Crucible?", Shepard finally said. The boy let go of her hand and turned to face her family.

"Sacrifices are inevitable." As soon as she was free, she broke into a run to reach her family, her salvation, her sanctuary. But they vanished before her eyes, and once again, she was alone in a dead forest under a dim, cloudy sky, with only the whispers of everyone who depended on her to keep her company.

The recording ended by fading to black. Garrus turned the graybox in his hands until he found the off-switch, and the hologram disappeared with a faint sound.

"You know what's wrong with her, right Garrus?", Tali sat down on the couch.

"She really fears that activating the Crucible will ultimately end her life. That she will never see the war end. Never find happiness, never have a family. So she is… struggling to keep everybody's hopes up, but deep down she is trying to accept her own death.", Garrus was still absent-mindedly playing with the small device. The beauty and serenity of having a family lingered on in his thoughts, and he was more determined than ever to fight so it could become reality.

"A strange and sad paradox to live with. But there is no evidence that suggests she is right. We have to tell her.", Liara said.

"We will.", Garrus said, in a voice that didn't allow doubt.

"You will.", Tali corrected. "Liara and I are close friends… but you know her best, Garrus. Go to Alchera and bring her back. Besides, I have a better idea for what Liara and I will do in the meantime. There is a party coming up, after all…" Liara shot her a knowing look.

"Of course we'll need Glyph for that." They both had the same mischievous sparkle in their eyes, or at least Garrus imagined one being behind Tali's mask.

"What if I fail bringing her back?", he asked, although the was no seriousness in his voice. Rather a well-known challenging undertone that was directed at Tali.

"Then I will come down there myself and kick both your behinds back and forth the planet's surface.", Tali answered sarcastically.

"Why am I not surprised?", Garrus murmured. The two of them left, but Garrus stayed back for a few minutes. Gingerly he set the graybox down on the nightstand next to Shepard's bed. He had always liked being here, although he remembered feeling the same sense of intrusion as Liara and Tali had the first few times. How did Specialist Traynor describe it? "Like being called into the principal's office".

Crew members had named this room "the loft", because it was located directly under the exterior pressure hull. A vast window above Shepard's bed allowed her to fall asleep or wake up looking at the stars. Garrus had always found it soothing to lie on the soft mattress, with her in his arms, watching the stars pass by. The stand that used to hold her old dog tags was empty. She had probably taken them with her to Alchera, as some kind of nostalgic token. Under the weapons table, there was a long sealed box that he couldn't remember seeing there before. It had a datapad attached to its side, which Garrus now examined closer. He didn't want to intrude further into Shepard's privacy – especially after using the graybox – but his curiosity got the better of him. The datapad only contained a short message.

_"Commander,_

_Hereby I send you what you kindly requested from me. I even reengineered it with a few extras that I am sure will surprise even you. It is a unique model – only someone with exceptional skill will be able to bring it to its full potential. Also, construction works on the Crucible are going well – there are a lot of incredibly skilled tech specialists aboard. Of course, none of them matches me._

_Keelah se'lai _

_Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh"_

Garrus fought the urge to open the box like a nosy child and made a mental note to ask Shepard what it contained, because he was genuinely curious now.

Before leaving, he noticed a group photograph of the Suicide Mission's crew on a shelf next to the desk. He paused for a moment to copy it with his visor, and then he took off to the ShuttleBay.


	4. Pursuit

**IV. Pursuit**

If Cortez wasn't happy about being woken up after barely two hours of sleep, he didn't show it. He manoeuvred the shuttle with quiet precision, while Garrus sat in the co-pilot's seat and watched them closing in on Alchera's icy surface. Jagged blue rocks passed them by, covered with freshly fallen snow that was blown off by the push of the engines. Through the front windows, the crash site came into view – large dark shapes of the shipwreck stood out against the mostly white surroundings. Garrus immediately recognized one of the mighty wings that had buried into the ice during impact, and now rose against the sky like a sentinel. The shuttle settled down gently next to her twin on the snowy field, and he moved to put his helmet on.

"You don't need that, Vakarian. The Alliance had a small bio-barrier set up a few months ago. It works with low power usage, but you should be fine.", Cortez noted.

"Why would they do that?", Garrus was surprised the Alliance would put so much effort into an abandoned shipwreck, on a lifeless planet.

"You might not realize it, but a lot of Alliance soldiers and their families used to come here as a tribute to what the ship and its crew has accomplished. Of course, since the Reapers invaded, their visits have subsided… The bio-sphere makes it possible to walk around without enviro-suits. It's still damn cold out there, though.", the shuttle-pilot explained.

"I figured that much.", Garrus sighed. He was glad that he had changed into actual armour, although it was a lighter type than he usually wore. The Silverback was comfortable enough, but he had switched to heavier armor after going to Omega, since his… occupation there required higher protection and tech power that the good old Silverback just couldn't provide. As a sniper, he didn't need to be as agile as other crewmembers, but he did need enhanced aiming and targeting calculators, as well as strong supportive plates if he happened to get caught in the thick of a fight. Wearing the Silverback again, he almost felt naked, but incredibly airy and… versatile. Still, mostly naked.

"I haven't brought my rifle.", Garrus realized sheepishly.

"What for? Do you plan to shoot the Commander to get her back to the ship? I doubt you could even get a shot before you go down." , Cortez shot him a smug look.

"Watch yourself Cortez, everybody knows Shepard can handle a gun – but I can make it dance. Good thing we were always on the same side, otherwise we'd still be fighting. But eventually, I'd win.", he retorted as the shuttle doors opened.

"I'd still put my wagers on the Commander." Before Garrus stepped out of the vehicle, Cortez turned to face him. "You're the one person I trust to bring her back. Please don't screw this up."

"I won't. Thank you, Cortez.", he answered.

An icy breeze greeted him when he first set foot on Alchera's surface, and he shuddered with discomfort. Turians _really_ hated the cold. Small flakes of snow kept falling from the sky, although they had no visible source. The system's sun radiated her faint blue light from the distance. Since Alchera's atmosphere was thin, the sky was painted with countless stars even during sunlight, as if the planet floated in an eerie stasis between day and night. Luminous gold ribbons danced on the firmament, a rare and beautiful view that was created by solar winds reacting with the planet's outer atmosphere. Aurora borealis, the humans from Earth called it. Spirit lights, as they were known on Palaven.

Garrus scanned the surface with his visor. Vast structures of torn metal were scattered all around the area, remainders of the once proud Normandy. He walked past one half of the bridge, seeing Joker's seat at the far end enveloped by darkness. The ship had been stripped of most of its protective plates during the attack, leaving behind a mutilated skeleton. Some of the interior had only been partially harmed, although the eerie lighting made it look even gloomier, knowing how lively it once had been.

Frozen grass and snow crunched beneath his feet and Garrus walked past the Normandy's corpse, looking at ghostly mementos of her lifetime as he went along. The wall behind the bridge bearing a sign that said "Normandy". The old shuttle bay, almost devastated beyond recognition, where he used to live together with Ashley Williams and Wrex. The podium and round table from the bridge, shredded to pieces, where Shepard had long discussions with Navigator Pressly, concerning their flight routes and her favouritism of aliens. Even the Mako, that poorly controllable vehicle they had used to explore all kinds of hells, now lay on a pile of ice-rocks.

As he went further into the path of destruction, he came to a gaping gulch that seemed to stretch out for miles into the distance. The tall rocks leaned away from the chasm and let the faint sunlight flood it. His visor began blinking excitedly, picking up the life signs of a female human in the proximity. With the sharp vision of a turian and a sniper, Garrus found her quickly. Shepard was sitting on one of the smaller rocks overlooking the chasm. To his horror, her feet were dangling from the edge like she didn't even notice the abyss beneath her. She had always been prone to some insanely reckless ideas – like diving to the bottom of an ocean in a damaged heavy mech – but always with purpose.

Carefully, he approached her. Cold wind whipped over the open field and caught her crimson hair, playing with the strands. She never kept it open, except for sleep, so this was the first time he ever saw her hair blow in the wind. It was worth capturing, so he tapped his visor to take a picture of the scene. At the foot of the rock, he came to a halt and looked up at her.

"Enjoying your little getaway, Shepard?" He spoke a bit more loudly than necessary to reveal his presence. Shepard winced and turned around halfway to face him.

"I should have known that you'd wake up from the slightest touch…" Her smile was sad and almost a bit regretful. He noticed that she was only wearing her N7 casual clothes in this spiritforsaken cold, but the visor told him that her body temperature and heart rate were only slightly below the average of what they should be in humans.

"You pulled all the strings, my dear puppet master. Putting us to sleep with things we like, avoiding me in particular so I don't keep you in bed all night…", he mused, walking up and down the rock's foot.

"Just that I couldn't resist going to see you before I left…", she sighed.

"I'm glad you couldn't.", he paused to look her directly in the eye. "We used the graybox backup, Shepard."

"You what?!", she yelled. In a flash, Shepard was on her feet, glaring down at him with icy blue eyes. Garrus wasn't surprised at her anger – after all, those memories had been private, too private for even him to see.

"We were worried about you. EDI told us you recorded your dreams...", but she cut across him.

"Why would you just go and open it? It was encrypted! It was clearly not meant to…" Shepard was still angry, but he noticed something else on her face: embarrassment.

"You encrypted it so that only a turian who knows your first name can open it. How many of those are there, Shepard? If you really intended to hide it, you could have chosen a password that noone would ever guess.", he countered.

"I didn't intend for you to open it so soon. I wanted to give it to you before…", her voice trailed away, but Garrus knew what she meant.

"Before you go to your death at the Crucible? So that I can see all your memories, feel how you have felt, and be consumed by the madness of losing you again? Is that how you planned it?", he sounded angry now too, and Shepard seemed to shrink a bit under his scrutinizing look.

"I wanted you to have something, when I'm gone…" She went back to justifying herself.

"You are a crazy person, and you're not going anywhere. Why are you so determined that you will not return from this?" He looked at her, mandibles pulled tightly to his face and hurt etched into his expression.

"Because… I've been fighting against all odds since… since Saren. I feel like some higher power has kept me alive this long, so I can fulfil my destiny: to activate the Crucible. After that, I'm not needed anymore…I just perish for the greater good. Every time I try to see the future, a time of peace, there is this voice in my head that says 'You will never live to see it come'." Her beautiful face was distorted by sorrow, a look that was alien to Garrus and made his heart wrench.

"You are right; we are fighting against odds since the day I know you. But your destiny is not to activate the Crucible. I've seen you fight and win battles that were already lost, strike impossible alliances, bring people to their senses when they had crossed the lines of sanity. Spirits, I've watched you convince Saren that he was indoctrinated! There was no higher force empowering you, pulling the strings in your actions.", he stepped closer to her, until his feet touched the side of the rock.

"All the people who have followed you up until now didn't do that so they can lean on you to set everything straight and get on with their lives. You are their hope for the future. They are inspired by your incredible spirit and they would be devastated to see you consumed by hopelessness. Liara, Tali, Joker… even Cortez told me to get you the hell back. They worry about you, more than you know. You aren't supposed to fight your doubts on your own. And most importantly, I need you." Her features softened as he spoke, the pained expression fading from her face like a crumbling mask.

"I'm not done yet. I'm not done loving you, Layra. I need you to stay with me, to keep fighting, to help me make the dream you had come true. It's my dream too. And if you lose hope, if you are afraid… Don't run to a spiritforsaken planet all alone." Garrus held out a hand to her, and his eyes didn't leave her face as he spoke.

"Because I will just follow you again. Let me be your strength when you have none left." How could she not take his hand? The gentleness in his voice, the low hum of his sub-harmonics. All the fears she had been hiding from him now broke loose from their constraints like a dam being torn down by an unstoppable wave. Tears welled up in her eyes and ran down her cold cheeks in a hot trail. She took a step toward him, her hand extended to grab his, but her vision was already too blurry to see where she was going. There was a distinct scraping noise as her foot slipped on the icy surface of the rock, and she was falling.

"Shepard!", she heard Garrus call out, and only a second later, he caught her. She landed against his chest and felt his arms wrap around her tightly, strong enough to keep her standing straight with next to no effort. Now that they had started, there was no stopping the tears. She hid her face at his chest to cover her weakness, but he didn't flinch or question her behaviour in any way. His gloved hand found its way to the back of her head, stroking through her hair soothingly.

The warmth that radiated from his body and the faint vibration of his slow breaths was more calming than a mother's lullaby. She had forgotten how exhausting crying was. And how liberating. When she lifted her head to wipe the residual tears off her face with her sleeve, he stopped her by settling a hand on her face and leaning forward to kiss her cheek. This earned him a little smile, and he instantly knew that the worst part was over.

For humans, crying seemed to be a way to release bottled-up emotions, or deal with especially stressful ones, like fear or sadness. Shepard had held her worries back for a long time, and he had never seen her cry before, even when things had looked most grim.

"Do turians do this too?", she asked, her voice stabilizing again.

"No… We're supposed to be calculating predators, remember?.", he answered with a flare of his mandibles.

"So that just makes it even more embarrassing…", she sighed.

"If you really won't shut up about it…" But he didn't finish his sentence. Instead, he grabbed Shepard around the waist and threw her over his shoulder like a bag.

"What the – what are you doing?!", she protested. Garrus paid her struggle no attention, he just wrapped an arm around her legs to support her and set course for the shuttle. Without a gun and her exceptional fighting skills, she was just a woman somewhat smaller than him.

"What I came here for: Getting you back to the Normandy. It's cold here – how are you not freezing with your thin human skin and only those casual clothes on?", he mused over the colourful swearing from behind his back.

"Liara gave me a thermal undersuit that keeps me warm. Wait, are you wearing your old Silverback armor?" He felt her hands moving down his lower back and dangerously close to his… behind. At least her spirits seemed to be up again, and he was really glad about that.

"I figured if I have to pick you off some rock, I may need something with a little more agility."

"Good thinking. All right, you've had your fun… I'll cooperate. Now let me down, before Cortez sees me like this." They had almost arrived at the pair of Kodiaks, so Garrus set Shepard on her feet again. But before she went on, she stretched to give him a proper kiss. Her lips were warm and soft, and he was reminded how fond he had grown of this human gesture of affection. The turian way was usually pretty straightforward and not exactly gentle.

But humans, even more their women, were fragile. Although Shepard was probably the toughest human he knew – after all, she didn't even let death stop her – and she acted with deadly focus as a leader, she could show exceptional gentleness when they were alone. This capability to change, the richness in contrast of her personality, was the reason he was drawn to her. Turians were mostly… well, they didn't have such a colourful personality. What had Joker said about him once? "It seems like Garrus has finally worked that stick out of his butt, but now he's trying to beat guys to death with it."

"What are you thinking about?", Shepard's voice cut into his thoughts. The strange light on this planet made her eyes look grey, or even silver, and they were now watching him curiously.

"Have I really been so uptight when you first met me?" They walked the last part of the way side by side.

"That's a strange question.", she said, looking at the remains of the Normandy's shuttle bay as they passed it by. "I didn't think you were uptight at all. Although it seemed that you felt personally responsible for clearing all the injustice from the galaxy…You became obsessed with pursuing justice too quickly, like with Saren. But I still liked your passion. We had different opinions, but you never cut me down or refused listening to me. We always talked as equals." Garrus couldn't help his mandibles to stretch out in a smile.

"I don't know what would have happened if you wouldn't have stopped my crazier ideas. I'd probably be a bitter old loner who hates the world and can't tell right from wrong.", he mused. Shepard paused and he felt her fingers closing around two of his, while her gaze was directed into the distance.

"Then I would still be down here alone, and there would be no one to rescue me from myself.", she said quietly. He returned the pressure of her hand.

"Why did you come here? It's eerie. Like walking among ghosts. I don't think I understand why you would return to see this again." It took a few seconds for Shepard to answer, for a while she just stood in the middle of the wasteland with her eyes closed.

"I came here for the silence. The ship is my second home, besides Earth, but she's alive with all kinds of noise. The chatter of comms, talks of the crew, more and more datapads with messages day after day. There are voices everywhere, and they all need my attention, my help. They are my responsibility. And even when everybody is sleeping, the engines still hum, the batteries sing, the hull still creaks… You've seen my dreams, the whispering doesn't stop there either, in my last refuge. It just never stops. All this noise… it fell silent down here." She opened her eyes to look at the unmoving wreck of the Normandy, standing sentinel under the strange day-night-stasis of Alchera's sky.

"… But I can't hide from my responsibilities like a child. What would that horrible reporter say if she could see me now? 'Commander Shepard, first Human Spectre, Hero of the Citadel, Slayer of Reapers, finally cracked under pressure and made a run for it! I've always said she's nuts!'", her imitation of the infamous Khalisa al-Jilani made Garrus let out a rasping laugh that echoed off the cliffs.

"Piss on what that woman says, Shepard. Better yet, let a Varren piss on it. Letting a sapient creature do it would be a waste of good pee. She couldn't hold a gun if her life depended on it, while the vanguards of our destruction perceive you as a threat. Never forget that." She shot him an unbelieving look.

"Seems like you picked up some trash talk on Omega. Doesn't sound like anything I would expect you to say."

"You're right. One of my squadmates used that expression all the time. To be fair, he came from the sewers.", Garrus answered. This time, it was Shepard who laughed, although the sound was much more pleasant than his own laugh.

"So you two are having fun out there while I'm worried sick that you broke your necks falling down a cliff?" Cortez was standing next to one of the Kodiaks and mustering them accusingly. He then became aware of his insubordination and moved to salute Shepard.

"I'm sorry Commander. Glad to see you are well." Shepard waved his formal gesture off and approached the shuttle.

"I'm sorry too, Cortez. I needed to get my head straight, and now you have to pay for it with quality sleep time. You should get back to the Normandy. Garrus and I will follow you in the second shuttle." The shuttle pilot didn't seem happy about the idea, but he accepted it without debate. Cortez took pride in piloting his Commander to every important mission, and he would have never missed any of them. It was his job to provide passage to solid ground and a safe pickup afterwards. That someone else than him would be piloting the Commander back to the Normandy felt a bit like a sacrilege to his duty.

"Don't worry. He learned how to drive one.", Shepard assured him, knowing that Cortez felt offended. "It was probably hundred years ago, though.", she added with a smile.

"You insult me, woman.", Garrus said in an ironically hurt tone. "But it's okay. At least today it is. Sorry Steve." Cortez turned his back on them and vanished inside of his shuttle, which took off shortly afterwards. Garrus followed Shepard into the shuttle she had piloted to the planet alone and took the seat next to her after she sat down in the co-pilot spot. Casually he started the engines and typed navigation courses into the panel.

The shuttle let out a high hum as it was called to life and lifted off the snowy ground of Alchera with aim for the sky. Below them, the crash site shrank away and the edges between black and white blurred into different shades of blue. Through the windshield the familiar blackness of space stretched out like a blanket, stars embedded in her fabric like weaves of silver thread.

"So… Are you still mad about the graybox?", Garrus asked after a few moments of silence.

"I could pretend that I am, and you can try to distract me." Her voice sounded a bit exhausted, but not at all irritated.

"And how would I do that?" The Normandy was not yet in view, but he knew in which direction he had to stir the shuttle for the quickest path to the ship.

"You could tell me a story about yourself that I don't know yet, as a compensation for what you saw on the graybox." There was a rustling sound as she drew her legs up onto the seat and relaxed a bit. It was comfortably warm in the shuttle, and now that Garrus was by her side, she felt safe in is presence. Safety also meant that her body let down its guard and reminded her of how sleep-deprived she was. It was very similar to an engine shutting down after pressing the right button.

"I guess that's fair. It might interest you that I wasn't always as… confident and stylish as I am now", he began, earning a derisive snort from next to him. "Laugh it up, but it's still true. As every turian, I started my military training at fifteen. At home, I had basically learned two things about how the world works. First, from my father of course, that you should do the right thing or don't do it at all.

And second, from my sister: If you try to do a thing that seems right to you but wrong to her, there will be an angry woman between yourself and the escape door. So I grew up thinking that probably every turian woman would be like my sister, which is equivalent to hell, and… to be careful not to step over any kind of line. Turians are taught discipline at an early age, but back then, I was too straight-line even for them. Humans have a word for it… 'buzz-kill'. Some of the other kids in my squad tried to ease me with all kinds of crazy ideas."

He paused for a moment, immersed in memories of his youth. Shepard would have loved to listen to him, but his voice was as contra productive to staying awake as a shotgun was to shoot a far away target. The smooth low tenor, the subtle resonance his typical turian flanging created, the richness of emotion in his words. All those things comforted her, enveloped her like a warm blanket, to the point where her eyelids felt heavier than neutron stars. She hadn't slept properly in days, and now his nearness, his refusal to leave her behind, his voice… it was a siren's song, impossible to resist. If she just closed her eyes for one moment... that could do no harm, right?

"During the day, we had our training. But in the evenings, the station was our playground. We acted out famous fights, played cards hidden from the guards. We even snuck away to a bar, trying to pick up girls. Adolescence… Ah, how I miss it. We were caught, of course, and I never heard the end of it at home. But… It was still worth it." As he ended his story, silence followed his words. Wondering, Garrus turned to the co-pilot seat.

Shepard's head was slightly inclined in his direction, her eyes closed and her breath even. She was asleep.

It occurred to him that she must have been incredibly tired, and he took a few moments to watch her peaceful rest, before turning back to the shuttle's panels. A few minutes later, the Normandy had taken them in and closed the great shutter behind them. He wanted Shepard to get as much sleep as possible, so he gently slid a hand to the back of her neck and the other under her knees.

With little effort, he lifted her off the seat and into his arms. She stirred, but didn't wake up. Instead, she let out a sigh and leaned her head against his shoulder, right onto the slight rising where his carapace ascended. Cortez, who was waiting for them outside the shuttle doors, understood the need for silence immediately when he saw them. He nodded to Garrus and walked away to the far side of the bay, probably to get some shuteye himself.

It wasn't easy using the elevator while supporting a sleeping woman on his arms, but somehow he managed to get Shepard to her cabin. Gingerly he laid her down on the bed and gathered the datapads that were scattered between the sheets. Then he removed the shoe-parts of her undersuit – which was particularly difficult, since he wasn't familiar with the design of the connector seals. When he had succeeded, he picked up the blanket and covered her body with it carefully. He meant to inform Tali and Liara that Shepard was alright and sleeping, but when he rose to stand up, a hand grabbed his.

"Stay.", Shepard's voice was sleepy, but determined. Not that he ever had the intention to leave.

"Of course I will." Keeping his voice a low whisper, he leaned forward to touch her forehead with his. This gentle gesture, being the turian equivalent of a kiss, reassured her instantly. "I'm just going to tell the girls you are okay. They must be bouncing. And I need to lose this armor.", he added.

"Yeah, you tell Joker I'm okay…", she mumbled, although Garrus doubted she really listened. Either that, or she was making a joke.

Seconds later, Shepard's hand loosened its grip and she was sliding into sleep again. It only took him a few minutes to send out the message of Shepard's safe return and change back into his casual clothes down in the main battery. When he returned to her cabin, she was hugging the sheets and still asleep.

"Turn off the sensors, EDI…", he said quietly, before he lifted the blanket to slip under it, his front against her back. Her body was warm and relaxed, deep breaths showing that she was able to find some rest. Ever since he had first touched her bare skin, a part of his rational side wondered how her species had managed to survive this long. They had never developed any kind of natural armor, and their skin was so tender that he couldn't imagine how they got through everyday life, let alone fights, without injuring themselves all the time.

Yet humans, especially like the woman in his arms, were capable of incredible swiftness, tenacity and adaptation. When he held her like this, his mind was strangely divided. Military instincts told him that he could hurt her easily in an unprotected state like this, since it was the only time she let down her guard. But her unwavering trust that he would never even consider it left him with a strange feeling of weakness. As if he was being humbled by a force he would never truly comprehend.

Seeing weakness as something positive except in an enemy, that was something new. And complicated. Such thoughts weren't what he was used to. A practical mind liked things clearly defined, and all turians were trained to have practical minds. But it didn't matter. Garrus didn't feel weakness on the battlefield, if anything else, he felt stronger when he fought alongside Shepard. Focused, determined, striking. And here, when she put her safety into his hands by sleeping next to him, stripped of her armor and weapons and barriers, he realized why he felt so strange.

All he had ever been taught was strength. The concept was embedded in the very fabric of his people, who valued their strength and pride more than anything. He had mistaken the feeling for weakness, because that was what he had been told his whole life. Letting your guard down makes you vulnerable, keeping it up makes you strong. It was black and white thinking all over again…

Shepard shivered slightly and he put his hand around her waist to pull her closer. The world wasn't entirely about being tough, all the time. At some point, they both had to realize that. It came to him that maybe this was what happened if trust was put in the right person. Maybe in this crazy galaxy finding comfort in falling asleep next to the person you love was the secret to turn weakness into strength. And that felt like solace.

The little rest he had before Shepard "woke him up" seemed to catch up to Garrus. He nestled to her hair, which was even softer than her skin, tickling his face lightly. Dozing off for a few minutes every now and then made him lose track of time, but he was too relaxed to stay awake.


	5. Confessions

_Author's Note: Hrm, so... This chapter is one of the reasons this is rated M, although... its rather subtle in my opinion. But still, M for a reason! Also much lurrrvz XD I know, I know... I'm so cheesy... But I really love these two 3 _

* * *

**V. Confessions**

For the first time in weeks, the dreams were gone. Blissful silence dominated her sleep, except for the faint humming sound she was half-aware of. The rhythm of his deep breaths slowed her heartbeat and his body was cosily warm. Shepard didn't know how much time had passed, but she woke to something slightly rough nuzzling the nape of her neck. Still a bit sleepy, but comfortably rested, she turned around to face him. He eyed her with a familiar mixture of warmth and challenge, as if he was up to something.

"I didn't mean to wake you… at first.", he said with a smile. Some might have called his way of smiling predatory (especially Joker…), but she knew Garrus well enough to distinguish between most of his expressions. This one meant he was in a playful mood. But she needed to ask him something…

"Did you get some quality sleep?", his hand lazily stroked over her back.

"I was out like a rock. No dreams… It's been weeks since I felt this rested." The devious sparkle in his eyes that followed her words told her he was definitely up to something.

"So I guess seeing you at peace like this makes up for you blacking out on my life story in the shuttle…", he teased her. She mumbled some incomprehensible excuse, which he took as a good chance to silence her with a kiss. A long and certainly not innocent kiss that was almost too tempting to resist. The hand at her back pulled her against his chest where she could feel a low rumble rising. Breaking the kiss took quite a bit of willpower and earned her a surprised expression on his face.

Shepard set her head down onto the pillow and looked at him searchingly, not sure how she should ask him what she wanted to know.

"So… except for the recordings of my nightmares…", she began, her voice a bit anxious, "What else did you see… on the graybox?" Garrus straightened up a bit to lean his head on one hand, eyes serious again.

"I saw how you died… when the Collectors attacked your ship, and I wasn't there to help you. I was sitting at a C-Sec desk while you left this world. Seeing it made me feel… powerless." He sounded angry, mostly with himself, and she knew that because his tone had been the same when he had told her about his squad on Omega. She wanted to tell him that he shouldn't feel guilty, that there was no way he could have prevented what happened to her on that day, but he continued speaking.

"I felt your regret… in the final moments. And how alone you were, how you thought we had all left you. And the terror and surrealism you felt when you woke up."

"I'm… sorry you had to witness that.", she whispered. Sometimes she still felt strangely unreal, although those moments were becoming very rare. At the beginning she had been terrified, like the world had shifted out of its angle and she had no control over where it would go. Everything had felt just a tiny bit wrong. Moving, running, holding a gun, using her biotics… Garrus was to no small part a reason she got used to being herself again without losing her sanity.

"Don't be. Because I'm not sorry.", he interrupted her thoughts. "I'm sure you had your reasons to keep this from people, but you didn't have to. It doesn't change how I see you or feel about you. If anything, it makes me feel like I understand you better… like we've gone through it together." Then he embraced her tightly and held her close for a few moments before releasing her again.

"There's just no use in arguing with you, is there?", she mumbled. "Was there something else?" Garrus didn't answer immediately, but sighed instead. This second confession would probably cause more agitation in her than the one about the Collectors memory.

"Yes. I saw your memory of meeting me again on Omega.", he then said truthfully, since there was no point in lying to her. Shepard's face went through a few expressions, from a widening look of surprise to something like anger until finally she turned her eyes away from him in shame.

"Shepard.", she heard his voice, but she was afraid of looking at him, so she fixated a point on his chest. The fact that he had seen how she had felt about him before he had ever expressed interest in her was like walking out onto the street and then realizing you were naked. She felt _exposed_.

When she didn't react, he called her by her first name in a much gentler tone.

"Layra." That did the trick, although only for a moment. Her eyes flickered to his tentatively, and to her surprise… he was smiling with encouragement. Then she went back to staring at his chest.

"Fine, don't look at me then. Since you can't shut your ears to what I am going to say, it doesn't matter where you look. I might not have something as high-tech as a graybox to show you my own memories, but I can at least tell you about them.", his voice was a bit edgy at the beginning, but calmed down as he went on.

"During our hunt for Saren, you often lectured me about being too impulsive, about how it would be wrong to pursue injustice with ferocity. You became my mentor, and my friend. But… somewhere along the way, I saw the fire that burned inside of you, the determination that made me want to stay by your side forever. And then I looked at myself – a burned-down ex-C-sec Officer who they were glad to be rid of, and on top of that you had to watch me so I don't go overboard.

And what would you want with a turian anyway? I knew a lot about guns, but next to nothing about things like… romance. Especially between turians and humans… So I tried not to think about it. When you died… It was all over the news on the Citadel. I just stood there, in my office, unable to move. Paralyzed. I felt as if someone had severed the most important wire in a circuit. Everything was… adrift, disconnected. In your hands, I had been a lethal but carefully utilized weapon, decisive, well-aimed, strong. After you left this world, I was just… a gun that fired at the next best target without purpose." He closed his eyes for a long moment, reliving this painful memory. When he opened them again, she was looking at him intently, but she didn't speak.

"Do you know what I thought while watching your memory on the graybox? If I only had the courage back then to tell you how much you meant to me, and that I never doubted you were the woman I knew. Precious time with you lost, because of my cowardice. Too bad time cannot be turned back, but I can still make this right. So don't be ashamed that I saw you worrying about me, because from the day you died until the moment you returned to me, I never stopped missing you. And I'm not leaving your side ever again, neither letting you die on me, _again_." At the last part, a slight warning tone rang in his sub-harmonics and Shepard couldn't help but smile.

"Besides all that… Remind me_ never_ to get on your bad side. I value my life, and I don't want to be pulverized like that gunship."

"You just enjoy that I went berserk like that over you getting hurt. My amps shrieked for a week after – worst migraines of my life.", she grunted, pinching one of his mandibles with her fingers. When he protested, she let it go and instead laid her hand gently against the unscarred half of his face. "And… I missed you too."

As an answer to her words, Garrus bent down to kiss her again. He started at her jaw, the slight ridges of his skin familiarly rough against hers as he drew a line across the contours of her chin, over the angle of her cheeks to finally meet her lips with his. The hand around her waist gripped her tightly, and when his tongue demanded entrance once more, Shepard didn't resist. His longing mirrored her own, and she let him pull her into it.

Something was different in the way he touched her that night, reminding her of the first night they spent together. He was careful, slow, exceedingly gentle, like he had never done this before. She shivered under his touch, savouring every kiss, letting her hands snake to the softer skin between his plates or beneath his crest, following them with her lips.

And when he finally came to her, his caution crumbled and he moved with a fierce passion, as if they hadn't seen each other in months. A shudder went through her body as he buried his face at the crook of her neck and his hot breath fanned over her skin like fire. Her translator struggled to make sense of his mutterings, but they grew more and more unintelligible with each thrust, mingling with her quickening gasps. All she could make out was her name, repeated over and over again in rhythm with his movements like a song of battle, until her senses went into overdrive and she was sure she would burst into a thousand pieces. His hand tightened around her fingers and with a last forceful push, he sent them both over the edge.

Small shivers still shook her while her breath calmed down, and she could feel his weight being lifted off her. A talon, easily capable of tearing through flesh, but surprisingly harmless when touching her skin, settled lightly onto the spot where her heart was beating. Garrus' voice was just the slightest bit shaky when he spoke.

"I'll never get used to that thing you do at the end…" Shepard opened her eyes and looked at him questioningly.

"What do you mean?", she asked.

"So you don't notice it?", he said playfully.

"I think I notice very little during that moment… What is it?"

"I'm pretty sure you use your biotics. Feels like being lifted off the ground and floating there, weightless. And then, for a second, it feels like falling. Then weightless again… It repeats a few times." The shocked look on her face almost made him laugh. "Don't worry, you never hurt me. Actually I kind of enjoy it.", he lazily put an arm around her shoulders and sat up a bit, so she could lean against the bend at his elbow.

"Must be an involuntary activation…", she mumbled, clearly embarrassed about this "habit". But the only answer she got was a slight, vibrating snore that indicated Garrus had already fallen asleep again. With genuine surprise, Shepard realized that men, no matter what species, sometimes followed exactly the same pattern of behaviour.

The rustling of sheets and the missing warmth of her body woke him up some time later, and he got a glimpse of her bare back before she pulled the shirt over her head. Dozens of small scars ran all the way along her spine, leftover reminders of the incisions they had done while rebuilding her. Garrus knew that some of them were much older biotic enhancers of some sort, attached to important neural nodes. The view wasn't new to him, he had seen it dozens of times, but he wondered how much pain all those operations had caused, and if she still felt it now and then.

"I don't remember agreeing in you getting dressed. It's still early…", he protested when Shepard proceeded to throw her hoodie on. She turned around to smile at him, and he could have sworn that there was something like amusement in her eyes.

"That's because you didn't. But there is something I've been meaning to give to you for a while now.", she noted, walking around the bed and to the weapons desk where he had pondered the contents of the long, sealed box just hours before.

"And believe me, it would be very strange if I handed it over with no clothes on." Suddenly anxious like a child, Garrus sat up and got dressed while she heaved the box onto her desk. It gave an audible hiss after she entered the seal's passcode and she moved sideways so he could step closer.

"What's the occasion?", he asked curiously, setting both hands on the seals, but hesitating.

"I've been told that gift-giving is not custom among turians, but on Earth we have a tradition. People receive gifts on special occasions like their birthday, anniversaries… Well, now that I think about it, it's probably childish… I looked into your files, since you never actually told me how old you are. Your birthday is in three weeks, Palaven time.", she explained, clearing her throat occasionally.

"With this war… I'm… not sure I can give it to you on exactly that day. Besides, you may need it for what we are up to… So just in case." Explaining herself was practically rendered unnecessary when he interrupted her.

"No one has ever given me a gift before." His voice was filled with wonder, and a juvenile excitement was dancing in his eyes as he clicked the seals.

The box revealed a highly polished sniper-rifle, perfect in its design. Although the materials and layout unmistakably marked it as geth technology, its handle had been remastered to fit the shape of turian hands. Silver tubes extended from the ammo chamber to the impressive main barrel, protected by the curvature of the plating.

Gleaming blue-white lights on the sideplates made the metal shine like a gem. The scope had its own little platform above the barrel, and even without having touched the rifle Garrus knew it too had been redesigned. Now that message from the datapad made perfect sense – his keen eye instantly saw what the Admiral had meant. This weapon could compete against the force of a grenade launcher, with the aiming precision of a synthetic race built on mathematics. He just stared at it. Shepard was eyeing him with growing worry.

"The Alliance calls it Javelin – because it uses a reservoir of ferrofluid as ammunition. They pack a hell of a punch, but are not easy to obtain. Until recently, at least. Now that the geth are at peace with the quarians, I was actually able to get one. I was told that its aiming enhancers are one of the most prec…"

"Does it really belong to me now?", he cut across her. She seemed a bit confused at the question until she realized that he was… excited.

"Of course it belongs to you! It's a gift. Look here." Leaning forward over the desk, she pointed at the metallic curvature cradling the scope, and Garrus saw a darker metal inlaid into the silver, engraved with a list of words written in turian script. They were names of places, ships or planets. He read through a few of them. The Citadel, Virmire, Ilos, Omega, Horizon, Galactic Core, Tuchanka, Rannoch, Thessia… and at the bottom… Earth.

"These are the names of places we went on missions together…", he turned to face her and found her lips in an almost sorrowful smile.

"Yes… Things always happen so fast, that I sometimes forget how much we have been through already. If we win this war, Earth will not be the final name engraved on this weapon. But, if for some reason, this is to be the last battle we face together…" Garrus prepared to interrupt her, but she put up a hand to stop him.

"Just in case – then this list can remind you that the best time of my life was spent with you by my side." Her voice rang with warmth and for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, he was too choked up to say anything. All he could do was to put his arms around her and pull her close. Her head settled against his carapace as she returned his embrace, and involuntarily, he thought of the Valluvian priests on ancient Palaven, who were said to call forth lightning from the skies and even stop the flow of time. Such superstitions died long ago, and Garrus had never been particularly religious.

Now he found himself wishing to have powers like that, so he could protect her from the dangers ahead. Or simply make everything stand still and stay in this moment, right here, forever…


	6. Aftermath

**VI. Aftermath**

Hours later, when they had finally managed to tear themselves lose from blissful isolation, Shepard returned to her duties again. Everyone on the bridge greeted her like nothing had happened, except for Joker of course. When she approached his pilot seat, he turned around and folded his arms, eyeing her with an accusing expression.

"So I suppose you enjoyed giving all of us a proper scare, Commander? Can imagine you had quite a laugh down there…", he remarked in a sarcastic tone.

"I do not recommend you chastising the Commander if you wish to keep your position as the ship's pilot, Jeff." EDI stopped her constant work on the consoles to acknowledge Shepard's presence.

"It's fine, EDI. Joker has said a lot worse things to me, and I never fired him. Because I know beneath his unserious shell, there is an honest heart, right Joker?" She was looking at him with amusement while speaking, earning a grunt from his side.

"Now she's my shrink too…", he turned his back on them, mumbling to himself. EDI seemed confused, but Shepard only winked at her behind Joker's back.

"Commander, I am glad that you returned safely. I wish to compliment you on the way of deception used to disable me during your… excursion. Besides that, I contemplated if I should fabricate a reaction of insult, but I believe your reasons were beyond my knowledge of human nature. Therefore I cannot judge them." Shepard tilted her head in surprise.

"Did you just admit that you don't understand something?", she asked. EDI hesitated for almost four seconds.

"It would be possible to extrapolate an explanation for your behaviour using multiple random samples of similar actions from the extranet. But… I'd rather know about it from you." Shepard leaned onto the back of Joker's seat and gazed at the fleeting stars outside.

"This war isn't easy on me… Nothing ever is. You never knew me back then, but only a few years ago, I was just a soldier. Sometimes it feels like this is too big for me." She noticed EDI stepping to her side.

"I humbly have to disagree. Previous cycles have tried to defeat the Reapers and have failed. But you have accomplished a novelty that has probability to change the outcome of this repeating war – the alliance of an entire galaxy. This renders you… truly unique." A note of genuine respect could be heard in the last few words.

"Are you… believing in me?", Shepard asked, astonished. Again, the AI took her time to answer.

"That may be a simplified and… organic way to phrase it, but… Yes." EDI even gave her a rare smile.

"Thank you, EDI… That means a lot to me", Shepard said with a smile of her own. She then turned to Joker, who had listened to their conversation in silence for once.

"Set course for the Citadel, Joker. It's about time we get all of you a shore leave too.", she said, patting him on the shoulder.

"What about Cerberus, Commander? Don't you want to kick their asses, now that we know where their headquarters are?", the pilot asked.

"Admiral Hackett's orders, Joker. He is mobilizing a decent part of the fleet for our assault on Cerberus and finishing work on the Crucible. That takes a few days, so we can as well get the Normandy her much required retrofits. She'll need the recharge time to be fit for the upcoming battle, just like we do.", Shepard explained.

"You're the boss, Citadel it is. Oh, by the way. You should visit Tali and Liara. They are both over in Liara's 'CommandCenter', and I think they are up to something.", he remarked before she left the cockpit. Following his advice, she strode across the bridge and took the elevator to the Crew Deck. During the night, it had been abandoned and quiet, and she had felt like a ghost.

Now, the mess hall was alive with people jabbering away about missions or ordering and eating meals together. Garrus stood close to the med-bay doors, listening to what seemed an animated conversation between Dr. Chakwas and Kaidan. Shepard avoided them by walking around the wall to the other side, but she picked up a few words. Chakwas was lecturing the two about being reckless with their injuries.

Served them right… They both almost had managed to get themselves killed under her watch. Of course Garrus noticed her futile attempt to sneak past them and shot her a questioning look. She answered with a stiff little shake of her head. Since Kaidan had returned to the Normandy on her orders, things had more or less smoothed out between them, and they could approach each other as friends again.

But still… she felt positively awkward when both of them were near. Kaidan had given her solace at a time when she had lost hope about Garrus ever seeing her as something more than a mentor. Kaidan was a good, honest man and she had done him wrong.

That's the thing with love. If you try to turn your back on it, you'll only end up making the stupidest choices. It wasn't that she hadn't liked Kaidan – she liked him a great deal. Just that no matter how hard she had tried to toss her hopeless feelings for Garrus aside, they only returned stronger. Somewhere between Omega and Horizon, she swore off the love business, decided to keep those feelings behind shut doors and live with them, even if that would make her a monk until the end of days. But everything turned out differently somehow… With a small sigh, she hurried to Liara's door and vanished behind it quickly.

Garrus was still absent-mindedly staring after her, when a calm voice reminded him he wasn't alone.

"She is trying hard not to be rude." To his surprise, Kaidan had addressed him. Dr. Chakwas has left for the med-bay, and now they were standing there, in awkward silence. When he didn't react for a while, the Major shifted from one foot to the other.

"You know… Avoiding every situation where you and I are in proximity of fifty metres? Taking a Reaper down single-handed? Sure, no problem. But looking any of us in the eye when we're both around? Cannot be done. It messes with her sense of honesty." As soon as he had started talking about this sensitive issue, he seemed to regret it. "I should probably keep my mouth shut. This is already awkward enough without me trying to make it worse." Kaidan sighed and rubbed his brow with one hand. Garrus even pitied him a little for looking so embarrassed.

"Don't worry, Kaidan. I'm not going to eat you.", he said, trying to sound reassuring.

"I don't know you very well, Garrus. Never bothered to befriend you while chasing down Saren, and I didn't exactly grow fonder of you when you sided with Shepard and Cerberus. So when I asked her about you at the hospital… let's not go there. I guess I made a lot of mistakes, like on Horizon. I should have trusted her.", Kaidan continued. Garrus was looking at him, neither accusing nor comforting.

"You should have.", he then said. Kaidan smiled slightly.

"Yeah well… I also shouldn't have yelled at her in the hospital. But here's the thing… There's this strange situation you have to deal with. Things are complicated, the woman you admire rises from the dead, and then you think you are fighting for her, but eventually you realize that you never stepped onto the battlefield. Someone else has won before you even picked up your weapon. We're not like your people, but… that doesn't mean we never have a wounded pride."

"Oh that old thing… That can be a real drag. My people wrote books about that.", Garrus noted, sarcasm dancing in his voice.

"Heh… yeah, right. So you see, Shepard is trying to protect my pride. She doesn't want me to see that she's happy… with you. But that's not necessary, because I really don't mind. Not anymore. Can you believe that?" Kaidan mustered him, his eyes careful.

"I can and I will. You're all right, Kaidan. There's just one more thing.", Garrus said in a fake serious tone that seemed to alarm the young man.

"How do two men on Earth conclude a positively awkward conversation?"

"We go for a drink at the nearest bar?", Kaidan suggested. Garrus tapped his shoulder with one hand, his mandibles flaring.

"Now you're talking. Good to know that some things stay the same no matter where you go. Let's just hope Tali didn't drink all of my good turian brandy… I was saving that for _after _the end of the world." Just as they walked past the memorial wall, James Vega advanced on them from the other side.

"Oy, Scars!", he called out, making Garrus stop in his tracks. James caught up with them at the elevator, an enthusiastic grin on his face. "Heard you got a big-ass gun that could blow the head off a thresher-maw. You know, if they had heads."

"Can one do anything on this ship that the whole crew _doesn't_ know after three hours?", Garrus pondered, looking into the air as if James wasn't there.

"Aw, come on. Esteban showed me the shipment lists. Living in the shuttle bay has its tweaks. Now get crackin', I wanna see that gun in action.", the Lieutenant waved at them impatiently.

Of course, ever since he had seen the Javelin, Garrus had been itching to try it out. All he had done until now was to hold it and try its weight, although that was enough to fall in love with the rifle. Its repurposed handle fit him like a glove, and the weight was perfect to keep his aim steady. As he stepped into the elevator with the other two, he made a very important mental note to find Shepard a present when they got to the Citadel.

"So you're really not going to tell me what you two are up to?", Shepard tried to coax Liara and Tali into spilling their secret operation. She and Tali were sitting on the cargo boxes while Liara examined her terminals as usual.

"There's no fun in it if we tell you, you know. Just wait and see!", Tali answered, sounding joyful.

"I was pleasantly surprised how good Tali is with these kinds of ideas. I suppose she has an engineer's creative mind.", Liara threw in. Shepard sighed. It was no use badgering them, although she was curious.

"I only have one question. Will I need to bring a gun?", she asked, more jokingly than serious.

"Why would you even ask? You have this incredible 'gift' of making trouble follow you everywhere you go. I'd say you should carry a gun at all times, even in bed.", Liara mused.

"That's no good! It could accidentally go off and shoot Garrus. We would never hear the end of it." Her strangely shaped legs twitched when Tali started to snicker.

"But jokes aside, Shepard…", the asari turned around to face her, her radiant eyes serious and concerned. "You had us worried there, vanishing like that. Are you sure you're okay now?" Layra looked at the two women and felt a sting of shame.

"I'm sorry I scared you… I guess I thought that, if everyone knew how desperate I am sometimes, they would stop believing in me. You two… you are the family I never had. I couldn't stand losing your faith.", she said with a sigh.

"We're with you. And when this is all over, you'll visit me on Rannoch, and I'll show your daughter how to handle a shotgun. Her father will only teach her that sniper-rifle nonsense." Tali made a dismissive gesture with her hand.

"Right… You saw that….", Shepard mumbled.

"Do you know why people like me, or Liara, or Garrus put their hope in you? It's not because you are some kind of figurehead without flaws fighting a battle for the galaxy, we already know that everything depends on us. You held me while I cried over my father's dead body, you sat down with me on the soil of my homeworld. When the Reapers go down, you won't just be the person who saved the galaxy to me. You are the person who shared my sadness and joy equally, who taught me to be patient, who found something good in _everyone_ and even made friends with geth, and rachni, and Cerberus! And I will wish for your happiness with all my heart, because you deserve seeing a time of peace more than anyone else." Liara nodded at her statement in agreement.

"Tali's right, Shepard. None of us ever forgets the greater good, but… You were there for me when my mother died and I felt like the loneliest person alive… Thanks to you I learned to be more than what others expected of me. We believe because we want to see a future together. I can't imagine a world where you're gone. Who would I catch a break with when my work is too much to bear? Or who would make sure to keep Tali and Garrus in line?"

"I'm not going through another one of his hissy fits. I mean… Archangel? He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. You'll just have to stay around, Shepard." Tali folded her arms, a gesture that didn't allow protest but also couldn't be taken completely seriously. Shepard bit back a grin.

"Hissy fits? Where did you pick up that word?", she asked, still struggling not to laugh. Tali and Garrus always liked to good-naturedly rib each other, making sarcastic jokes about fighting skills or personality quirks ever since they met. Of course neither ever crossed the lines of real insult and everybody knew they would both rather die than leave the other behind.

As the most senior members of Shepard's crew, they were usually highly respected, could come and go wherever they wanted and had more liberties than the other crew members – except maybe for Liara. They seldom made use of their status to call in special favours and never abused their power for personal gain. Nobody seemed to care that they were aliens on a human ship, which spoke for their incredible skill in their respective fields.

"I heard that one from Traynor, but she was using the expression for her roommate at the university.", Tali answered.

"Didn't she live with her sister?", Liara, who had turned back to her consoles, threw in over her shoulder. Shepard suddenly remembered something crucial.

"Yes she did… But more importantly, Liara, were you able to find out what I asked you for?", she rose and stepped up to the asari with a hopeful look.

"I wouldn't be the Shadow Broker if I didn't know how to find someone supposedly lost. The message came in just a few hours ago." Liara smiled, something she rarely did these days.

"What's going on?", Tali demanded to know.

"A few weeks back, I asked Liara to use what time and resources she could spare to track down Garrus' family. He lost contact with them when the Reapers hit their home city… It seemed like a dead end, if he wasn't able to find them, but I thought – just in case."

Shepard looked very anxious. With a swish of her hand, Liara brought up a detailed view of the turian homeworld on the screens of her command centre and zoomed in on what looked like a massive field of grey, stretching hundreds of kilometres wide.

"Cipritine…", Shepard breathed. She never had the chance to see Palaven's capital city, but Garrus had told her countless stories about the steeled heart of turian civilization. They had always been her favourites, and she had heard them so many times that she would close her eyes and see the towering silver pillars gleam in the sunlight like swords, standing side by side to mighty thanix cannons whose barrels pierced the sky. In her mind, she would walk wide plazas with angular arches, and roam the streets at night to hear the music of a proud and strong race played on steel strings. Now it was all in ruins, just like Earth…

"It wasn't easy to get a hold of them, there aren't a lot of my agents on Palaven. Garrus' father and sister managed to flee Cipritine two weeks ago and my agent was able to track them to Corvus, a smaller city south of the capital. They are alive and mostly well, although his sister, Solana, broke her leg during their escape.", Liara explained while the map of Palaven shifted to the location she had mentioned.

"Can they be extracted?", Shepard's voice was eager.

"Way ahead of you, Shepard. My agent is with them and his message tells me that a small frigate picked them up not long ago. They were extremely lucky. Most of the evacuation ships have already left the planet, and that frigate should have left days ago, but it was damaged and needed to be repaired. I hear the ship was attacked by a stray harvester, but they managed to get away. They are shaken, but safely on their way to the Citadel now." Liara turned to face her, but when Shepard spontaneously pulled her into a hug, the asari was speechless for a moment.

"You're incredible, Liara.", Layra said, letting her go after a while, "How did you pull all of that off?" The display of gratitude earned her a smile from the Shadow Broker.

"Actually, the credit goes to Primarch Victus. When my agent told me their location, I contacted him immediately. He was very understanding once I explained that this was an important personal request from you on Garrus' behalf. He arranged for a change of route with the frigate, so Garrus' family and a few other civilians could be picked up and evacuated. It seems that the phrase 'on the Primarch's orders' carries a lot of weight. I think you should thank him personally sometime."

"I most certainly will. And you too, Liara, thank you. He wouldn't talk about it much, but I know Garrus has been worried sick about his family, and now he can see them again. I would feel the same if I still had family on Earth… Would you forward the ship details to my private terminal, so I can track their progress when I'm on shore leave?", Shepard said.

"Of course. Would you like to talk to them?", Liara's hands moved over the console keyboard in a blur. Shepard looked shorttaken.

"What… right now?"

"I can establish a commlink to my agent. He says they would like to talk to you.", Liara stepped aside so she could approach the console warily.

"They know about me? Don't they think it was Garrus who sent the ship?", she sounded troubled.

"They weren't able to talk to Garrus for weeks. It seems that Primarch Victus told them 'someone' has pulled a lot of strings, but not who it was. Don't worry, your voice will be distorted.", Liara explained. A synthetic sound was heard when the asari pressed a button on the console, and the commlink was open before Shepard knew how to react.

"Hello? Is somebody there?", the male turian voice was so similar to Garrus', even through the distortion of the unstable comm, Shepard could make out the resemblance. It was darker and definitely more mature, but still…

"My name is Aetius Vakarian, and I wanted to thank the person who made it possible for me and my daughter to escape from Palaven. I wish I could tell you how grateful we -", Garrus' father said, but another voice, clearly female, cut across him.

"Do you know my brother? Is Garrus alright?", Solana sounded just as hotheaded as her sibling.

"Sol, be silent!", Aetius warned her.

"We don't even know who this person is, Dad!", she retorted.

"I'm… a friend. ", Shepard finally managed to say. "And… as for Garrus… how would you like to see him again?"


	7. Surprises

_Author's Note: Oh dear, this one is long... I would love to have something like what Garrus buys Shepard in this one... Maybe they have them already, and I have no idea! o_o _

* * *

**VII. Surprises**

Techs and engineers already swarmed the Normandy when Shepard stepped onto the bridge from the elevator a few hours later, a military style bag slung over her shoulder. She usually left the ship last before the retrofits, and was the first one to return after work was complete – for several reasons. The repair crew valued her insights on several issues and liked to take her guidance into consideration. It was a bit like preparing the arrival of a celebrity – her own crew had some very special preferences. On her way to the airlock, she talked to several techs holding datapads or fiddling with their omni-tools.

"You know Joker hates the format of his flight-algorithms, maybe change the programming on that. My gunnery officer had the main guns calibrated to perfection – if he finds them in chaos, he'll throw a ruckus. I need higher connectivity for long-range comms down in the room across the crew's quarters. We had some issues with the drive-core on our last FTL jump, maybe the generators need replacing." Answers flew at her from left and right.

"Yes, ma'am!" "Thank you for the heads-up, ma'am." "We'll have her back to speed in no time, Commander!" "Enjoy your shore-leave, Shepard."

Only a few of her crew were still lingering around at the docking bay, talking to each other or heading out together. According to Hackett's message, she was supposed to visit Anderson's apartment down in the wards, so she waved good-bye to Tali after promising to have a movie-night with her and exchanged a few words with James before leaving the docking area. Just as she walked in direction of the cab terminal, a very familiar voice sounded from behind her.

"Are you ever not working, Commander? I thought I left late, but I still had to wait for an hour until you showed up." Garrus had been leaning against an advertisement wall and now walked up to meet her with a surprisingly small bag in his right hand. Shepard tilted her head.

"Can't have the techs mess with your thanix cannons. Is that everything you own?", she said with an amused look. He followed her eyes to his bag and shrugged slightly.

"You don't pay me enough to own more.", he retorted. She chuckled as they arrived at the rapid transit hub together.

"You could buy a house with what I'm paying you. So what are your plans for shore-leave?" Garrus looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Actually, I received a strange message that there would be a delivery for me at docking bay E12 the day after tomorrow. The sender was encrypted. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?" He scrutinized her as she typed into the cab console innocently.

"That's really a bit strange… I wouldn't know. But I can accompany you, if you want." There was something in her tone that made him sceptical.

"I suppose you could…", he said a bit stretched. "And where are you headed?"

"Well…", Shepard began, stepping up to a blue skycar whose front doors had just slid open, "Admiral Hackett told me to visit Anderson's apartment. It's supposed to be pretty comfortable. Would you like to come along?" She pointed at the passenger seat, but he shook his head.

"I'll visit you after I take care of some… business.", he said mysteriously, making Shepard raise an eyebrow.

"You're not getting yourself into trouble, aren't you?", she asked, suspicion ringing in her voice.

"Don't worry, it's nothing dangerous." As she took a seat in the skycar, he bent down to give her a light kiss and smiled – although it still looked mischievous. "Just upload the address to my omni-tool, I'll be there in a few hours."

He watched the skycar zoom away and sighed, rethinking the plan he had tasked himself with. There were probably thousands of shops on the Citadel, but he had absolutely no idea where to start looking for a suitable present. Shopping was to no extent his strong suite and Garrus didn't consider himself to be a very creative person, but coming up with something Shepard would truly want was even harder.

When he arrived at the Kithoi Ward shopping district – he had picked this ward because it had some shops with extraordinary displays and seemed most promising to find something unique –, Liara was already waiting for him at the wide garden plaza, seated on a marble bench with her face turned to the artificial sunlight. Even for an asari, she stuck out when in a crowd, but Garrus figured that was because he knew her since years now.

"You look lost, my friend.", she said in her usual calm voice when he greeted her.

"I'm a turian soldier in a shopping district for pets, jewellery and… other stuff I never knew existed, what do you expect? Besides, you don't exactly look like you fit in here either." Holographic trees and flashy signs lined the strip together with countless people strolling along the walkway, looking at the show cases, arguing with merchants. They passed all varieties of shops, each with a differently colored neon sign bearing names that ranged from "Alohad's Perfume Emporium" to "Gun Requilary" or "Dextro's Paradise!", where Garrus actually stopped to buy a 'snack' that reminded Liara of something a krogan might throw up.

"So did you have something specific in mind?", she asked with a quick glance at "Crestinator"'s display, which seemed to be a shop for asari and turian hair… or rather, crest products.

"I gave it some thought, but I didn't get very far with… Damn!", he exclaimed at the sight of an X-shaped barrel extension in the showcase of "Headshots!", obviously a gunshop. "Look at that! The newest Cranial Trauma System – it surpasses the last version by 1,34%. I didn't think they'd released it yet, Guns and Ammo said they were still working on recoil issues messing with the barrel calibration… I should get her one of these, right Liara?" The asari looked at him in a way a parent would look at a child who is about to do something stupid.

"Garrus… It may be hard to accept this, but even though Shepard likes weapons and takes interest in them, she isn't in love with her gun, like you.", she said.

"Well, there's a shattered dream I'm never getting back.", Garrus noted sarcastically. "And I'm not _in love_ with my gun", he added after a moment.

"I find your passion for weapons systems admirable. But you should get her something that comes from the heart and preferably something she wouldn't just buy herself." He turned away from the display looking slightly disappointed, but he admitted Liara had a point.

"You're right. The extranet suggested some things humans give their girlfriends as presents, like jewellery. How does that sound?"

"At least jewellery is closer to the goal than guns, but you should probably save that until… later in your relationship.", Liara mused.

"What do you mean, 'later'?", he asked, confused. She returned his gaze with a foreshadowing look.

"We'll talk about it when the time comes." Before he could pursue the matter further, Liara stopped in front of a small store that most people would have overlooked. It wasn't flashy or oncoming like the other shops on the boulevard, only a small sign reading "Holo-Treasures" above the entry indicated that it was there at all. The narrow display was empty except for a hologram saying "Please come in." in several languages. Liara looked curious.

"Let's see what they have in here.", she said and they stepped through the milky glass door together, Garrus following at her tail. Inside, the shop was even tinier than expected. A few strange-looking devices that resembled sockets or metallic rings sat on shelves across the walls and the lighting was much dimmer than outside. Behind the counter stood what Garrus reckoned to be the most ancient human he had ever seen, a hunched man with fuzzy grey hair and eyebrows so thick that he could have used them as a visor. And he had thought Admiral Hackett or Dr. Chakwas to be old.

"Welcome.", he said slowly and waved at the newcomers. Everything about him seemed obsolete. "Please take your time to examine my wares. I can give you a demonstration of each if you'd like." The merchant moved around the counter without hurry.

"You are very kind. I'm interested in what kind of items you sell here.", Liara said in a deliberately pleasant voice.

"I only sell hand-made holo-projectors, dear. Each of them is unique in its way, and you won't find anything like it in those large warehouse catalogues.", the old man explained.

"Hand-made? How?", Garrus asked, unbelieving.

"Well… I have two mechs helping me with the most delicate tech, but other than that…", the merchant pointed at a mech behind the counter, a model that could probably compete with him in age. Liara studied one of the projectors more closely, a socket shaped like a pristine plant leaf inlaid with thin lines of green stone. When placed on a table or a shelf, it would have looked like a decoration on its own.

"The one you are looking at… it projects holograms of every known flower and tree in the galaxy. Of course, those from Earth are my favourites. Shall we take a look?" He moved past them to swish his hand in front of the device with his omni-tool glowing in the dark. Garrus had half expected him to actually pull a lever somewhere or use a switch, like people did in the old human vids Shepard had showed him.

A few seconds passed and when the projector turned on, a flawless flower appeared above the socket, its petals so lifelike that both Garrus and Liara leaned closer, astonished. Holograms always caused _some_ interference, but this one looked hauntingly real.

"It's incredible…", Liara said as the hologram changed to a beautiful tree with dark bark and light rosy blossoms.

"Every projector has a database where you can access information about the holograms.", the merchant explained and used his omni-tool again to bring up a sign next to the tree.

"Cherry tree in bloom, Earth. Nearly extinct as for today. These trees bloom vibrantly for a very short time during spring, for this certain cultures on Earth valued them as symbol for the transience of life.", Liara read out loud.

"Are you looking for anything specific? I have a wonderful one with ancient ruins around here somewhere… Your asari partner would surely like it.", the old man said to Garrus.

"No, sir, it's not like that.", Liara corrected, smiling about the misunderstanding. "We are looking for a present for a very important person. It should be something special…"

"What is this person like?"

"She spends most of her life on a starship, travelling around the galaxy and… solving problems. She's patient, enduring… but also passionate, fierce.", Garrus described Shepard with warmth in his voice.

"Her responsibilities are so important to her that she often forgets to pace herself, to rest.", Liara added. For a long moment, the old man seemed deep in thought, then his face suddenly lit up.

"I have just the thing. Wait here please." He walked to the back of the store and vanished behind a small door they hadn't even noticed before. When he returned a few minutes later, he carried a delicately shaped ring made of beamless metal. In the middle, slightly raised and held by curved wires, two moons of different size served as the light-source of the projector. They were surrounded with pearly white clouds of unknown material.

When he set it down on the counter, the moons flickered to life and the whole room changed. The walls and ceiling yielded a perfect sky during sunset, lonely stars picking their heads out early. A spectrum of colors from deepest blue over greenish-yellow to radiant red melded together and long, slender clouds painted golden by the vanishing sunlight trailed away into the distance. Garrus and Liara could only stare in wonder.

"I have been told that Thessia is the most beautiful planet in the galaxy, but there is nothing like a sunset on Earth.", the merchant said as a response to their expressions. "Oh but I have more –" The projection changed to a grey-blue sky with faded stars and a large, shining moon that Garrus would have recognized anywhere. Jagged clouds that looked like torn strips of fabric rushed across the ceiling. "Palaven… you captured it completely.", he said, not without a sting of homesickness.

"What do you think, Garrus? Do we have something?", Liara said as the view changed to a blue tinted with violet and pink, hazy nebulae stretching across the horizon like a maiden's hair blowing in the wind.

"Definitely.", Garrus answered.

Shepard had arrived at the apartment to an unexpected surprise – Admiral Anderson broke the news to her that this two story luxury loft should be hers. After the initial speechlessness she thanked him with great gratitude and started to wander around the rooms, exploring every nook and cranny. The apartment was huge – it had three bedrooms and just as many bathrooms, a large living area divided by a decorative partition, and several other rooms she didn't even know how to name. Her whole squad could have comfortably lived here, and it wouldn't have been crowded at all. Now that she was finally by herself, the vast emptiness of the suite felt strangely lonely. Maybe the purpose of fleeing all the noise in her life was to understand that silence, in its own way, spoke even louder.

Shepard unpacked the few clothes she brought from the Normandy into the dark wooden dressing cabinet adjacent to the largest bedroom, put sheets on the naked bed, set up her laptop in the study and mixed herself her favourite non-alcoholic drink – an iced tea made from Earthen mint and selected asari root spices. After that she sent the Normandy a message to deliver a larger part of her casual clothes and some other personal belongings to the apartment and huddled up on the couch in the living room with a pile of datapads. Even Garrus, who had probably seen her in every situation possible, didn't know that she used reading glasses to decipher the annoyingly tiny script on the datapads.

The constant reddish light from the neon signs outside the window was something she would need to get used to, but for now she shut the blinds and turned on the lamps along with the flat-screen. For a while, she watched the Galactic News and sipped her tea, although the grim pictures of warzones and dying colonies tired her out quickly.

Switching to an environmental documentation about Kahje's sea creatures. Layra started to work through the datapads. There was little good news to be found in them either, but she felt personally responsible to read through them with care and eventually send back advice or reports. Most of the messages were warzone intelligence, complicated to begin with and even more so if they required special attention. Sometimes a certain war theatre needed to be discussed with Admiral Hackett or Anderson, in which cases she set up a tactical briefing protocol – an ordeal that usually took hours to finish. How many nights she had spent, bent over maps and assault plans. If she hadn't been haunted by human boys going up in flames in her nightmares, she was certain she would have dreamed about being buried alive under a mountain of datapads.

On rare occasions, positive messages reached her, mostly small colonies who managed to beat back Reaper forces long enough for the reinforcements to arrive, or evacuation protocols which showed that people were able to escape from where the fight was thickest. Countless messages also contained pleas for her to try and find family members, spouses, or simply friends who went missing, pictures always attached after the last lines. These weighed on her the hardest, even though she didn't have obligation to answer any of these people.

She had no parents to worry about on Earth, no siblings missing in action, no spouse on a distant planet she lost contact with. The people she cared about were fighting by her side, something she should consider herself incredibly lucky for. Just for this reason, she tried to answer as many of these pleas as possible, explaining that she was doing everything in her power. Somewhere between an interesting assault formation report for ground troops and an idea for strengthening the defense strategy of a colony on Amaterasu, the door buzzed.

"Come in!", she called and unlocked the door with a casual flick of the living room's console, still deeply immersed in her scheming.

Garrus made a sound similar to a whistle when he entered the apartment and saw the dimensions it spanned.

"Do I have to do a recon mission to find you in here, Shepard?", he asked from behind the partition after he set his belongings and the middle-sized box with her present down on the table.

"I'm right here.", her voice indicated. He found her sitting on the wide couch, legs drawn-back and of course with a datapad in her hand.

"So you just open the door to anyone? What if I was Kai Leng?", he said in a dramatically innocent tone. When Shepard mustered him a bit sarcastically, he noticed an odd kind of visor on her eyes.

"Please, Kai Leng wouldn't use the doorbell. Besides, I was expecting you."

He moved to sit down beside her and pointed at her glasses. "So what are those?" His voice sounded amused.

"Oh, damn –" Layra tried to take the glasses off quickly, realizing that she had completely forgotten she was wearing them, but Garrus stopped her. "It's… reading glasses. They are ancient, but I hate contacts and my vision is fine with almost everything." Garrus let out a low chuckle that made her want to punch him. Turians had perfect vision, and he was even worse – he had eyes like an eagle.

"Don't you get corrections yearly at the military medical examination?", he asked with twitching mandibles.

"I do, and I didn't have any problems in the field or with anything else, but it never worked with these… miniature scribbles.", she answered and shook the datapad at him.

"They make you look very strict, in a sexy way." His grin widened as she planted a kiss on his mandible.

"Sweet-talker… Where have you been all day?" Shepard got up and walked over to the bar to pour him a glass of turian whisky that she had found while scouting the apartment.

"Right, I wracked my brains about getting you something that could compete with the present you gave me the other day… Could you dim the lights?" He vanished behind the partition for a moment and returned with a box.

Following his gesture, she dimmed the lights, handed him the whisky glass and sat down again. When she opened the box, she found a neatly designed diorama of two moons cradled by milky clouds sitting on a beamless metal ring. First, she thought it to be a decorative item, but the second Garrus had used his omni-tool, she understood its true purpose.

A stunning hologram of Earth's night-sky filled up the living-room, distant Luna shining from the ceiling like a pearl. The galaxy's unmistakable band of myriads of stars stretched out on the walls, familiar constellations twinkling in her middle. The device glowed soothingly and Shepard leaned back on the couch to take in the view.

"This is… beautiful.", she breathed. Garrus put an arm around her slender shoulders and pulled her to his side, where she settled her head against his carapace.

"It's like being back on Earth and watching the stars at night…", she whispered, her voice filled with a longing that he could relate to.

"I hoped the projector would help you calm down and rest when the pressure is weighing down on you. Do you like it?" For a brief moment, he sounded uncertain and almost shy, like all those months ago when they had just started to get closer to each other. Shepard stretched and rubbed her cheek against his gently as an answer.

"I love it. Thank you…", she said, following up with a kiss.

"Tell me about the constellations.", he asked quietly after they had parted again. They both turned back to the sky above them, and Shepard showed him the great beasts and warriors of old that the humans had painted into the stars.

She spoke about Perseus and Andromeda, who were side by side to a mythical, winged creature called Pegasus and told him the sad legend about the shepherd and the weaver. The weaver was a talented and beautiful maiden who made the most exquisite fabrics for the gods, but she fell in love with a shepherd. Because the empress of the sky didn't like to lose the best weaver for her celestial clothes, she took a hair needle and separated them by drawing the Milky Way between them. Every year, for a single night, they were allowed to meet each other on a bridge made from the wings of a thousand birds. She pointed out the stars Altair and Vega, Altair being the shepherd and Vega the weaver girl.

On Palaven, they didn't have a lot of legends like this one, theirs were mostly about great battles or ancient Primarchs who fought armies of predators under a scorching sun. Listening to Shepard's light, calm voice as she described the constellations and the myths behind them was more comforting than a good night's sleep. And hours later, when silence fell between them and they spoke to each other in a language only lovers know, Earth's starry sky bore witness to their unison. His breath calming slowly, Garrus looked down at her to see a single tear escape the corner of her eye and lose itself in the strands of her hair.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?", he asked in a throaty voice, sounding alarmed and concerned.

"No, no… I… just wish we could have seen Earth together, when it was still beautiful and whole…", she whispered with a sad smile. He kissed her temple gently, right where the tear had made its path.

"There, there… We'll see it rebuilt. Always remember what I said – We'll get through this." When he moved to relieve her of his weight, she held him in place.

"Stay a bit longer.", she simply said.

"Did you take your dose of antiallergics?", he looked concerned again. Shepard chuckled lightly.

"I love how you say these romantic things. Of course I took them… I'll have another dose later." Their relationship required certain medical precautions that needed to be maintained in order to be intimate with each other without fear of severe allergic reactions. For Garrus, it meant taking a pill every day, but Shepard actually had to inject the antiallergic into her bloodstream in addition to the pills every couple of days.

Mordin Solus was the doctor who had designed the compound for them, specifically keyed to each others individual DNA. Shepard would never be able to eat turian food or drink their beverages, but at least she didn't need to prepare for an anaphylactic shock when they… were together. Next to the danger that posed, it would have been an incredibly awkward situation to explain to Dr. Chakwas.

Later, lying on the soft sheets of their new king-size bed, with Shepard asleep huddled against his side under Palaven's cloudy evening sky, Garrus thought about the last time he had seen his family. He had watched his mother's dead body be given to the blue funeral flames, watched his father stand there, staring at the pyre like a statue made of stone, and felt his sister's burning gaze, filled with her anger at him.

The funeral attendant handed her the urn, a simple cylindrical object that bore the markings of his mother's clan next to those of his father. Garrus approached his sister, but when he raised his talon to touch her shoulder, she flinched.

"Leave me be.", she snapped, not even sparing him a glance. He followed her as she made her way past the guests who were engaged in quiet conversation, her white and grey mourning attire melting with the silver of the crematory's walls. It was custom on Palaven to wear these colors to a funeral, for they represented the cleansing void that remained if one of their people joined the spirit world. Garrus caught up with Solana on the wide balcony that overlooked one of Cipritine's civilian districts. Clouds were massing in the distance, but it would still take hours for the storm to reach the capital. Solana was standing at the inornate guard railing with her back turned to him.

"Sol…", Garrus began, but she spun around to glare at him.

"Don't you dare talk to me, _brother_. Now you decide to show up?!", her voice shook and her face, the striking image of their mother's, was distorted with pure resentment. The ashes of their mother were in her right hand, clutched tight to her side as if he was going to steal them from her. Never had he seen her so detached.

"I'm sorry, Solana. I just… couldn't come sooner.", he tried to explain. She dismissed him with her free hand.

"Where have you been, Garrus? When her condition got worse day by day, when even the salarians couldn't get her to remember her own name? Where have you been when our mother forgot our faces, when she died all alone in the middle of the night?!" Solana walked up and down the balcony, mandibles twitching frantically as she let her anger lose upon her brother.

"I can't say.", he simply stated.

How could he tell her that he had helped delay the Reaper's arrival two times, that he had gone on a rampage on Omega, that he had sent the salarian doctors Collector tissue samples and pleaded them to give his mother a new treatment for her disease? She would never accept those reasons, he doubted she would even believe it. The fury drained from his sister's beautiful face and turned into disappointment, hurt.

"You never really cared, did you? About your family?" _Family means everything to me. I have made mistakes… I have been selfish. But everything I have done since Omega was in order to protect you_, he thought.

Instead, he said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Sol. I won't bother you any longer.", and turned around to leave the balcony. Garrus didn't know why he chastised himself like this. Each time his sister yelled at him for leaving the family behind, he wanted to yell back at her "Don't you see how much I care?!". But when it mattered, he always deflected. She could stay in the illusion that he was travelling the galaxy for fun, running with mercs and living the high life, never caring about his family. Because the truth would only leave her terrified.

He pretended to be fine with Solana despising him as long as she was safe, but he could never convince himself that this was entirely right. Some part of him, close to his heart, wasn't childishly proud or glad about hiding his true feelings. Shepard, who had been a mentor to him even though being his lover too, she would have known the solution. But she was far away on Earth, forced to work behind a desk under constant surveillance by the Alliance for her relationship with Cerberus and the destruction of the Alpha relay.

"She'll calm down.", his father was standing not far from the balcony exit, and Garrus wondered if he had listened to their fight. "She's grieving, son, she doesn't know what she's saying."

"I know.", Garrus said with a sigh. Aetius eyed him with something he had rarely seen his father show – concern.

"You still won't tell her where you really have been all this time?"

"No… She'd only worry herself sick…"

And then the Reapers came, and everything changed. Garrus looked down at the woman in his arms as if her face held the answers to all his worries and questions. He reached up to brush away a strand of her crimson hair that had gotten loose and closed his eyes, thinking about a song his sister had sung to calm him down when their parents were both on duty and he had been too afraid to go to bed.

_Spirits live in every thing,  
Protect you where you go,  
They soar the peaks of Kashining,  
And swim the seas below,  
When you feel sad, just listen close,  
And they'll tell you for sure:  
Even if the paths you chose,  
Are dark and insecure  
You'll find again what you have lost,  
As long as you stand tall,  
Remember that which matters most,  
And don't be afraid to fall,  
Know that I'm always there to catch you  
To drive the shadows from your dreams,  
To guard them until the day is due,  
And all the darkness flees. _

If only he could hear her voice sing it one more time, he thought as sleep enveloped him.

Garrus woke up alone and realized – quite shocked – that he must have overslept. Serving on starships for so long clearly screwed with his sense of time, but mostly he blamed the much too comfortable bed. And probably the fact that, even for a turian, he hadn't slept much in the past few weeks also played some role in him sleeping until midday.

Shepard wasn't there, which left him a little irritated. Waking up without her always felt like there was something amiss. Flinging himself out of bed, Garrus put on his visor but didn't bother getting dressed. The cosy pants he was wearing were enough for now (humans really had figured clothing out) and he wondered if he could just walk around the apartment like a lazy bum all day.

Actually, he didn't remember the last time he had taken even a day off, and laziness should have felt like a sacrilege to… well, to all turians. He would regret that decision the next moment, when the bedroom door slid open to reveal Tali and Liara sitting on the couch. They both turned to look at him standing there, practically naked compared to what they were used to.

"Wow, Shepard was right. You really _do_ look like a dinosaur.", Tali noted jokingly.

"She didn't really tell you that.", Garrus grunted and turned back to put some cover on.

"We may never know.", the quarians voice echoed into the bedroom.

"Looks like we scared him.", he heard Liara say.

"It takes a lot more to scare me. But I would appreciate to know what you are doing here." Garrus left the room fully dressed and looked around for Shepard, but she didn't seem to be there.

"Well I was crashing with Liara in a hotel room, but Shepard wrote us a message that we could hang out here since the place is huge.", Tali explained.

"It's actually nice. I brought Glyph over so I can work from here.", Liara added.

"So where is Shepard, anyway?", Garrus asked.

"Oh, right. She left a message for you somewhere in the kitchen, along with some takeout food she ordered from a Dextro restaurant. Leave the fried cheese for me, will you?" Tali pointed over her head and turned back to what seemed like a soap opera on the flatscreen.

A datapad was lying next to the wrapped box.

"_Garrus, _

_Didn't have it in my heart to wake you up. It seems like you needed a good, long rest just as much as I did. I invited Liara and Tali to keep you company, while I'm doing some errands in the wards and meeting Joker for dinner at some sushi place (yeah, he invited me – am I really paying you guys so much that you can afford these things?). Anyway, I should be back in the afternoon. _

_Stay close, _

_L. _

_P.S.: I got you some takeout food, enjoy! But leave some for Tali."_

Well, it had been ages since he had eaten something else than the Normandy food, except for the marinated Sporus legs from his shopping trip with Liara. Tali helped him unpack the delicacies from the box and loaded some of everything onto her plate. For a really small person, she could gobble things up like a shredder. Garrus suffered through the rest of the soap opera she was watching while they ate, and he was glad when Liara started a discussion about emergency and post-wartime politics.

Before long, they were engaged in an inspiring debate, working out ideas to make the alliances Shepard had weaved last. All three of them were, to some extent, influential leaders among their own people, and they had learned the meaning of leadership from the best. Liara suggested the formation of a strong acting board consisting of spokespeople from different races, but existing side by side to the Council itself. With all the chaos and destruction going on, the board would prioritize rebuilding efforts and assign defensive forces as well as work out supply lines.

"It wouldn't be an actual political corps like the Council itself, but an organization of well-informed specialists who can help the Council sort all the mess out that this war leaves us in. It needs the ability to manage intel on a highly sophisticated level and decide on the distribution of resources swiftly.", she explained.

"Sounds like just the thing for you, Liara.", Garrus noted.

"The shipping routes and supply chains would have to be coordinated to have maximum efficiency. Also the shipyards and stations at crucial points would need the necessary equipment for substantial repairs. And the crew, of course.", Tali pondered.

"And don't forget that every war has its traitors, looters and people who try to take advantage of the situation. Defensive measures have to be taken to protect facilities. With our decimated forces, we need to carefully and tactically plan together with the military.", Garrus threw in.

"Excellent point, both of you. If we really live through this… We will make it happen. With a little help from our friends, of course." Liara wanted to say more, but was interrupted by Glyph making alarming sounds and floating into their midst. Garrus and Tali inclined their heads as their comm-channels opened simultaneously to Glyph's.

"Guys, are you hearing this?", Joker's voice sounded urgent. "We got a problem –"

"What happened, Joker?", Liara looked concerned.

"I was out at this sushi bar with Shepard on Silversun Strip. We hadn't even ordered when this Alliance chick – Staff Analyst Brooks – comes in and tells the Commander that all her files are being hacked, and someone is trying to kill her. And then a crapload of mercs land and start to shoot up the place!"

"Goddess, trouble _does_ follow her everywhere…", Liara muttered. Garrus cut across her. "Is Shepard alright?" There was a brief pause before Joker answered.

"She… managed to get a gun – after using me as bait. I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking. Brooks told me she tried to help her – the chick got shot. But the mercs broke the glass and… well, she fell through a fish tank. No news after that."

"Spirits… this woman is going to be the death of me.", Garrus said angrily, already on his way to the armor locker and weapons desk.

"So we're going to rescue Shepard for once. Never thought I'd see the day.", Tali fiddled with her omni-tool.

"Damn right we are! Let's kick some merc pendejo ass.", James' voice sounded through the comm.

"I'm transmitting the signal where she was last seen to your omni-tools and will try to join you as soon as possible, but transfer from this platforms current location may take up some time. I'm also having problems reaching Major Alenko yet, and will update you when I learn more.", EDI said.

"Thanks, EDI and Joker. It seems we have a Commander to save." Liara and Tali walked to the apartment door just as Garrus returned, fully armed and the Javelin ready on his back.

"Nothing's ever easy with Shepard, but that's one of the reasons we love her, right? Let's move!", Garrus said, and the three of them left the apartment.


	8. Family

**VIII. Family**

About twenty-six sleepless hours, a lot of shooting, a black-tie charity event, an almost kidnapped Normandy, a dead clone and quite some fun later, they had managed to restore order again. Her clone had put up a good fight, but it was still just a copy of the real thing, although Shepard had to admit it was a close call.

Despite the excitement and danger, the fact that everyone on her squad assembled to help her, with even Wrex joining the show had taken her mind off the Reapers for just a while. She had more fun during this short identity theft than she had in months, and in a way she was grateful for that. Her and Garrus had come home dead tired and fallen into the bed without another word. It was only when Garrus' omni-tool began revolting with annoying beeps that Shepard noticed the time. He grunted audibly and sat up, though his movements seemed sketchy because of his armor.

"Tell me that's not another clone.", Shepard murmured and turned her back on the nerve-wrecking alarm.

"No… but it's the ETA for that mystery delivery I told you about… It's scheduled to arrive in an hour. I could just stay here and have it delivered to the apartment… We could sleep some more… Enjoy some _real_ shore-leave…" His voice was tempting and silky, a hand stroking along her side to rest at her hip. She would have loved to stay in bed all day, but she also knew what the delivery actually was and that gave her the surge of willpower to be fully awake.

"If they requested your presence, it's probably something important. We still have a few days left… There'll be time.", she said and got up, still a bit sleepy and awkward.

"Well hopefully it's not a Reaper in a box. Or a clone in a box.", Garrus pondered as he started to take off his armor.

"I actually thought you would welcome the possibility of a second me. Since you're my boyfriend and all, wouldn't you want to have as much of me around as possible?", Shepard called from the wall-in closet in a teasing tone.

"You scared the paint off my face twice in three days, woman. I have my hands full with just one of you.", he retorted, earning a chuckle from her side. To her surprise, his bare hands touched her naked shoulders a few seconds later and stopped her in the middle of getting dressed.

"Besides… No clone would be anything like you. You are one of a kind." He inclined his head to plant a gentle kiss at the point where her shoulder gave way to her neck, a particular place he was very fond of.

Human features were so strangely fluent, no edges, no plates… everything about them was curved and soft, which fascinated him. They could be bulky and forceful, like James, or nimble and agile like Shepard. She didn't need to brawl and she never carried heavy guns, because her biotic abilities would be hindered. After all, she was an adept, a biotic prodigy among humans similar to Jack, outmatched only by well-trained asari. How many times had he shot down enemies she had tossed helplessly around in the air, or marvelled at the destructive explosions she could unleash? Whenever he had the time, he would watch her and Liara during their training sessions.

They both changed into casual clothes and welcomed the lightness after falling asleep in their armor. Shepard had chosen a very simple black outfit that reminded Garrus of what Kasumi used to wear, although she didn't put the hood on. The prospect of drawing attention to herself from bystanders when Garrus' family was around troubled her. She wanted to see their reunion, but being introduced to them made her stomach flutter. I'm actually nervous, she thought. The last time she had felt jumpy like this was when she was waiting for her acceptance letter after applying to join the military. Would they even spare her a second glance? Or would they call her a filthy human and tell Garrus to take her out of their sight?

"You look unsettled. What's wrong?", Garrus asked when they got into the skycar.

"I'm just curious about that delivery.", she answered – and that wasn't even a lie. He manoeuvred the vehicle calmly and without haste, which she doubted he'd have done if he knew what was waiting for him. Shalta was the only ward that still had some docking spaces with decent waiting periods, that was the reason why Shepard and Liara had chosen it rather than Zakera. The docking area here was less crowded too, although far from empty.

Refugees of all races were sitting inside the improvised housing containers or debating at the security checkpoint. Great wide windows enabled visitors to watch the ships dock or undock, say good-byes to those who departed and welcome new arrivals. Civilians, some lightly injured, sat around in the waiting area's seats. Shepard saw a young human couple hugging each other and crying. An asari sat leaned against a turian's shoulder, most likely sleeping because there was no place to lie down. She approached the exit door of Docking Bay E12 with Garrus and stopped at the guardrail in front of the windows. The turian freighter wasn't half the size of the Normandy and clearly wore some battle-scars on her silver plating, but the ship had made it.

Shepard resisted the urge to step away from Garrus so no one would associate her with him and felt ashamed for that thought at the same time. In her anticipations, one of two things would happen: If his family didn't know who she was, they would condemn and mistrust her for being Garrus' human girlfriend. If they knew who she was, they would fall into the same routine as almost everyone else in the galaxy and regard her with shock and awe, as the figurehead that she was. People's expressions changed when they recognized her, as if someone pressed a switch – and she was never quite sure how she felt about that. It gave her strength that people believed in her, but their looks also made her uncomfortable.

"That ship is turian. I wonder what they have for me… she's clearly seen battle.", Garrus said quietly as they watched the great bird adjusting to the docking station. Even though it wasn't nearly as impressive as bigger vessels, it moved with the elegance of something built to travel the vast void.

"Alis grave nil.", Shepard said, but his translator couldn't make sense of it. When he looked at her questioningly, she smiled. "An ancient latin saying. The language died out long ago, and therefore it's not catalogued in your translator."

"What does it mean?" Garrus turned to the exit doors of the dock. When they opened and revealed a dozen turian refugees, his eyes caught two dark blue markings more familiar than his own face in the mirror. Shepard's voice seemed to reach him from far away as the realization struck him.

"It means… Nothing is heavy to those who have wings." His feet moved on their own, approaching his family like a dreamer, as if they could vanish in front of his eyes at any moment. The refugees scattered and he could now fully see them, his father's gaze locking with his, mandibles spread in a wide smile he had never seen on him before.

"Garrus!" Solana was limping and even though one of her legs was splinted, his sister broke into a run. He wanted to cry out to make her stop, but no words formed in his throat. With his arms stretched out he moved to meet her. The force of her bear hug almost made him stagger, still he squeezed her just as tightly as she did.

"You're okay, you're okay, damn you...", Solana's voice trailed away and Garrus felt like laughing of joy, from the bottom of his heart. Spirits, they were safe. All the hoping and worry, against all odds…

"Son…" She let him go reluctantly as their father caught up to her and when they shook hands, he pulled Garrus into a hug too. Never in his life had his father done this and now it felt like all their past differences didn't matter anymore.

"Dad… Sol.", he finally managed to say, his usually calm voice shaky. For a few moments, he wasn't one of the leading fighters in the Reaper war, or the indestructible Archangel, or the unwavering hand at the trigger of a rifle. He was just a man who had worried about his loved ones for months, now to be overwhelmed by the wonder of being reunited with them again.

Shepard was watching from where she stayed behind, hands folded at her back.

"How do you feel?", Liara's voice sounded over her comm. It took her a moment to gather the words.

"I wish you could see it.", she said as she watched the strain that had been there for weeks drain from Garrus' face. "People say that this war has brought us nothing but suffering. Right now, I think… they couldn't be more wrong."

"Shepard…", Liara sighed on the other end. "Remember what you felt today when our darkest hour comes."

"Thank you, Liara… I will, I promise.", Shepard answered before the comm channel closed. Just a moment later she noticed that Solana was looking at her with a mixture of suspicion and curiosity. There was no mistaking their kinship since they had the same features: Light grey, almost silver skin, piercing blue eyes, identically curved plates. While the males of their species had impressive crests the females lacked completely, their mandibles were much more distinct, arching to both sides of their skulls like blades (they reminded her of scimitars the Persians used as weapons back in the ancient world). Nyreen Kendros, the turian woman who had sacrificed herself on Omega to destroy the adjutants, had told her that broken mandibles were actually a common nuisance, very much like broken noses in humans.

"Garrus… Why is that woman staring at us?", Solana asked, eyes still fixed on Shepard, who was feeling increasingly scrutinized.

Suddenly all three of them turned to her, and she would have given anything to vanish into thin air. Garrus seemed to sense her discomfort and inclined his head as if to say, _"You face down Reapers, but you're afraid of my family?"_ Instead, he proved that he knew her better than anybody else by being discreet.

"Because I am extremely good-looking, Sol. Even human girls think that. Why don't you two get your things from the cargo pickup, and meet me at the security checkpoint so we can get you registered?" As they walked off, he stepped up to Shepard with his browplates raised.

"You didn't want me to introduce you." It was more stating a fact than asking a question.

"What would they think? A human… Soft-skinned primitives, they used to call us. And if that doesn't do it, my name will force them to be nice to me… Besides, they would feel uneasy and I'm sure you want to spend time with them relaxing so…" Shepard was hand-wringing, something she did when she was awkward or insecure. He reached out and wrapped his fingers around hers to stop her.

"You worry too much." His eyes watched her intently. "And I can tell that you're hiding something from me. My father said that someone helped them escape and told them I'll be waiting here." Garrus' voice sounded strict and serious, and suddenly she realized that he had all kinds of reasons to be mad at her – for keeping it secret that she found his family, for practically lying to him _and_ his family… She bit her lip in guilt.

"You're angry with me. I should have told you. I'm sorry, I -" The words got stuck in her throat as his hands closed around her hips and she was suddenly airborne, lifted off her feet by a turian madman with fire in his eyes. She looked down at him in utter surprise, but all she saw in his face was relief, and delight. He lowered her enough so he could touch her forehead with his.

"They're safe, Shepard, thanks to you. I love you.", his voice was almost a whisper.

"I love you too…", Shepard couldn't help but smile. "But if you don't put me down soon, people will think we're insane. And… to be honest, you should thank Liara – she was the one who tracked them down after I asked." Garrus set her back on her feet gently.

"Then tell her she should prepare for a turian kind of hug."

Solana watched her brother and the human woman thoughtfully. She couldn't hear what they were talking, but seeing them together told her more than words. They hadn't noticed that, suspicious about her brother's behaviour, she had turned around on her way to the cargo hold.

What exactly was going on with him? Garrus had changed so much since their childhood, she wasn't sure she even knew who he was anymore. When their parents were still both working for the military, it had been her responsibility to keep a close eye on him. How he had flailed every night that he was afraid of the dark… He wouldn't go to sleep without hearing her sing that children's song.

And then he went to do his military training and got into all kinds of trouble. Had she been too strict? Had she tried so hard to keep him safe when they were little that she managed to drive him away? After he returned from his training and joined C-Sec, he grew more and more distant to his family – their mother got sick, and he was constantly picking fights with father. They stopped talking altogether for a while when he left C-Sec, and after that… things went silent. He checked in from time to time, but he never told her where he was or what he was doing.

She was so frustrated with his distrust, that she started blaming him for all sorts of things – abandoning the family, losing his job, and, to some extent, even the death of their mother. To this day she regretted the way she had treated him at the funeral. But what was she supposed to think? She just assumed that he was… probably screwing around or playing childish games of justice, except if she was honest, she didn't really believe that.

Her brother had always been determined to make a difference. Fierce and hotheaded in his young years, always butting heads with the law – and especially father. Now… she could still feel some of his old fervor, but he seemed calmer, not restless anymore. Was this woman the reason? A _human_? Her face looked familiar… Solana was almost sure she had seen her before, somewhere. There was more to this than her brother was letting on, and she planned to find out.

"You're absolutely sure that you don't want to come along?", Garrus asked for the third time. Shepard sighed at his frequent inquiry, although she gave him credit for wanting to be certain.

"Yes, I'm sure. Go spend some time with them, Garrus. I have an appointment for a training session with Liara anyway.", she said with a reassuring look.

"And I'm going to miss it. That's a shame.", he noted sincerely. "But don't forget that we're supposed to meet for drinks in the evening. Without dead arms-dealers, this time." She chuckled.

"Sure. Enjoy yourself, okay?", Shepard usually refrained from public displays of affection, so she just gave another smile before taking her leave.


	9. With Or Without

_AN: Dear hiddenshadows, thank you for your nice review, it made me a little more confident about my portrayal of the characters :) Here we go!_

* * *

It wasn't too hard to get his family through the security checkpoint, he just had to call in some favors from a few old C-Sec friends. One of the smaller hotels on the ward still had vacancies, and even though both his father and sister protested that they could stay in a refugee camp, he just waved them off. After they had a proper meal for the first time in weeks, regarding their pace while eating, his father told Garrus how they managed to escape.

"The Primarch himself sent the vessel… he said someone he owed a lot requested to get us off-planet… First we thought it was you, but… we hadn't heard from you for so long." His voice sounded tired, as if he had aged twenty years since Garrus last saw him.

"Palaven looks bad, son… I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad your mother didn't live to see the war come to our homeworld."

"Before Victus sent us the ship, we met this strange woman, Tanaquil. She just approached us at the refugee hideout in Corvus, and said she would help take us away. We didn't trust her first… she looked a bit shady, like she knew how to stay hidden, but she was nice to us.", Solana explained further.

"We wanted to know who helped us, so when we were on the freighter, we asked Tanaquil and she let us talk to a person over the comm link. But… the voice was distorted, although it explained where we were headed and that we could meet you again. Nobody would tell us who our savior is, not Tanaquil, not the Primarch, and not even the person himself.", Aetius gestured in frustration.

"We just want to thank him in person. You know who it was, right Garrus?", Solana said almost angrily. Garrus understood the circumstances of their escape fully after hearing the story. It was strange that everyone who helped in the process had deflected the question about Shepard's identity, even herself, because the person they talked to over the comm certainly had been her. But he would ponder that later.

"There was more than one person involved in your rescue. Primarch Victus was contacted by the Shadow Broker as soon as the broker's agent – Tanaquil – had tracked you down. But all of them acted at the request of the person you talked to on the ship, my Commanding Officer.", he elaborated.

"Commander Shepard? _She_ helped us?", his father exclaimed.

"Shepard… I've seen her on the news. She's a hero! She defeated Saren and the geth, and Cerberus, and rescued the Primarch so he could call the war summit. She brought the krogan to help on Palaven… How do you know her?", Solana asked in astonishment. Aetius stayed silent, but his face told Garrus that it was time to come clean about everything to his sister.

"And she ended the war between the geth and the quarians, and delayed the arrival of the Reapers two times.", he added.

"It's time you knew the truth, Sol. There is no point in hiding it anymore. I witnessed all those events, beginning with the hunt for Saren more than three years ago. After I left C-Sec I joined Commander Shepard – who is a Spectre, as you know – and helped her chase Saren all across the galaxy. We learned about the Reapers and their plan, but after we saved the Citadel from Sovereign and Shepard died, all her warnings were ignored.

In my anger and frustration, I went to Omega, a hell-hole where I passed judgement on criminals until the Commander literally rose from the dead and recruited me again. We found out about the Collectors, an enigmatic race who once were the Protheans, but they were twisted and forced to serve the Reapers. I went on a Suicide Mission with some of the most skilled specialists of all combat and research fields.

There were five humans, a salarian, an asari, a krogan, a drell, a quarian, even a geth – and me. We travelled to the galactic core and destroyed the Collectors before they could build their own private Reaper from a mountain of human corpses. Because of that… it took me too long to return to Palaven, and Mum… As I said at the funeral, I couldn't come sooner." His sister had been silent while he told the story and now just gave the tiniest nod of acceptance.

"You know the rest, mostly from the news. I met Shepard again on Menae, searching for the Primarch. Of course I joined her again. I watched her pave the way for the cure of the genophage and rewrite history, and I was there when the quarians landed on their homeworld after three hundred years of exile, at peace with the geth. Sadly, I also saw Thessia fall to the Reapers. And soon, we will bring the might of the galaxy to save Earth.", Garrus said further.

"Is it true that there is some kind of super-weapon that can destroy the Reapers?", Aetius asked.

"The Crucible, yes. Although… I have to admit that even I don't know much about it. Here's hoping it's a giant gun that will just blow them away.", Garrus said, leaning back on the hotel couch. From the corner of his eye, he could see Solana muster him with a strange look.

"I guess you actually did some pretty impressive things…", she said a bit stretched, as if she was going somewhere with this, "And I can see now why you have such a high opinion about this Commander of yours…" There was definitely an alarming tone in her voice, exactly like when they were kids and she had found out about some childish mischief he had caused.

"Funny thing, but from the news casts I've seen, she looked a lot like that woman at the docking bay." His sister rubbed her hand against her chin and the look she gave him couldn't have been clearer: _"I'm onto you.",_ it said. Their father cleared his throat audibly, but no one seemed to pay him attention.

"Yes… That was her…", Garrus, who felt a bit like he was being lured into a trap, murmured.

"So if someone who knew your patterns for lying all her life would have… I don't know, turned around after supposedly going to the cargo hold and seen you act in a very unmilitary way towards your Commander…", she went on, a satisfied expression on her face as she saw his mandibles go limp.

"You spied!", he snapped at her, angry about being exposed like this.

"It's a good thing I did, otherwise you'd probably never told us!", she hissed back at him.

"Spirits, here it comes…", Garrus voice was sarcastic now, "One of Solana Vakarian's famous wrong assumptions. I planned to tell you, but now I regret that plan. This is just like when I was younger and you had to butt in on everything I did -"

"Oh please, all the crap you pulled during your military training! They would have kicked you out if I hadn't calmed them down." Now she was on the warpath – her arms folded and her eyes narrowed to slits, they just as well could have been fifteen again, arguing over him sneaking off into a bar with his friends as a result to some kind of bet between them.

"I just told you that I helped save the galaxy – still at it by the way – and you said yourself that Shepard is a damn hero. Now you intend to put the blame on me? Isn't that hypocrisy?" Garrus pointed an accusing talon at her.

"That was before I knew she's your – what? – girlfriend? I don't care if she pulled a hundred turian children out of a sinkhole with her bare hands, she's a stranger to me. I respect her as the hero she is, but not as the woman you chose as your mate." Solana turned her head away from him stubbornly.

"You're _impossible._", he said with disbelief.

"Sol, you can't be serious.", his father piped up in a tone that would have silenced lesser beings, but it did nothing here.

If the Vakarian siblings had one thing in common, it was their stolidity – crucial in some situations, direly obstructive in social conflicts like this one. Garrus let out a big sigh, a big one because it consisted of many small sighs, each for a different reason. Shepard won't be pleased about hearing that his sister had spied on them and found out about their relationship, and particularly not after she learned Solana's opinion about it.

Sol, on the other hand… whatever demon possessed her for making a scene like this, it wouldn't go down without a fight. And here he sat thinking he was already waging the toughest war he would ever see, just to be caught in the middle of a second one. And this would be a war between women, who he both knew to be capable of bringing nasty to a whole new level. Cynically, he wondered if the Reapers were really the thing he should be most afraid of right now.

* * *

"All wrong, Shepard!", Liara's voice echoed through the woods like wind chimes and she slid behind cover almost a second too late. A clump of blue energy, concentrated to its breaking point, just missed her by an inch and exploded into the next best tree with an uncomfortable warping sound.

"You're still trying to put force in it – it'll never work like that!" Liara sounded cheerful, at least much more than usually, but there was also a harsh tutoring tone in her words. Shepard tried to take deep breaths to get through the irritating exhaustion that threatened to grip her. All asari were biotics, and even though they had to train just the same, calling forth their powers came much more naturally to them than it did to humans. Or maybe they could just muster the concentration better, since they had centuries of experience.

A shiver went through her body as she gathered her mind and with a strong push, she jumped out of her cover. Liara came into her view, simply standing between the trees and rubble, not even a weapon in her hand. _You can't move, you can't move,_ the mantra echoed in her head and the next moment, a net of tangled white strings appeared around Liara. Before they could do what they were supposed to, the strings crackled and a shower of tiny sparks rained down upon her, dissolving as soon as they hit her barrier.

"That was an impressive small firework, but still…", before Shepard could react, the asari stretched out both hands, glowing with biotic power, "…no…" Her movements froze, her body went rigid, "…good!", and she stirred no more, a perfectly formed Stasis field glittered on her skin. Liara walked up to her with folded arms, as if she had all the time in the world, since Shepard couldn't do anything to break free from the Stasis.

"Why is it that you master every technique I show you without an effort, but you can't manage a Stasis field?", she said and released the field with a gesture of her hand. Shepard sagged to her feet with a grunt.

"I don't know, Liara. It just doesn't feel right somehow.", she sighed and stretched to get rid of the lingering stiffness in her joints.

"This isn't about changing the location of things, like pulling or throwing, neither is it about detonating the energy like Warp or Flare. Offensive abilities require you to visualize the process of action, the movement, to put pressure on your enemy. Stasis is the complete opposite, actually. Your mind needs to create complete stillness. It's strange, since you had no problems with the barrier… You did that on your first try.", Liara explained.

"Creating a barrier is about concentrating on protection. That's just like…"

"… second nature for you. I should have known.", the asari smiled slightly. "In any case, you seemed distracted during the whole session today. Did something not go as planned, meeting the in-laws?" Liara consulted her omni-tool to initiate a combat simulation. A drone appeared from nowhere and started a countdown. At the far side of the forest clearing, red holograms lit up to mark where the enemies would appear, and both of them slipped into cover behind the ruins of an ancient statue.

"Don't call them that…", Shepard mumbled.

The countdown hit zero and several Collector troops manifested out of thin air, moving swiftly and shooting their strange particle rifles. In an instant, Liara rolled to the side and a ball of energy burst from her hands. The Singularity planted itself into the midst of the enemies, yanking them off their feet and staggering those who had protective barriers nevertheless.

Shepard felt the tension build up as she visualized the Flare, her fingers tingled with the biotic surge answering her call. The next moment, she was out in the open field and her hands unleashed a concentrated bullet that pierced Liara's warp field right through the heart. With a deafening clash, the biotic combination detonated, its raw force beams crackling everywhere in the proximity. Back in cover, Shepard took a deep breath. Unleashing a flare forced her to recharge for long and precious seconds, but it was her most destructive ability.

A particle shot cut through the tree that she used as a hiding place and damaged her barrier, which provoked a light curse from her side. An assassin and a guardian were trying to flank them from the left side, but Liara was quick on her feet. A well-aimed warp made the guardian stagger and Shepard didn't wait until he recovered. _Fly!_

It was one of the most basic lessons biotics learned: See what happens before it happens, and think of the easiest metaphor to shape the thought into reality. Two projectiles launched from her hand and left traces of blue light behind as they flew like shooting stars. The Guardian was caught in the powerful explosion when the projectile detonated his warped body, but the assassin tried to dodge the second one. Unlucky for him, it followed by flying a curve and knocked him off his feet, right into a pile of rubble. A charged shot from the Arc Pistol finished him before he could gather himself.

"I thought that after this clone situation, you wouldn't be too thrilled about our training session.", Liara noted on their way to the locker room. Shepard rummaged in her N7 bag for a candy bar and ripped it open heartily. Long and excessive use of biotic powers had the downside that she always felt haggard afterwards, craving something meaty or sweet.

"Fighting yourself has a way to put things in perspective. It reminds you that you should never stop evolving.", she answered accompanied by chewing sounds.

"I guess so…" Liara disassembled her submachine gun carefully. Shepard had to give her credit. She'd come a long way from a naïve and socially shy archaeologist to the secretive existence of the Shadow Broker and a skilled combatant, for what it's worth. Her thorough watch on her friend's handiwork didn't go unnoticed. "You look like you're having some deep thoughts. Would you like to share them?", Liara asked as she packed the gun away.

"I just noticed how much you have grown as a person since I met you.", Shepard said with a hint of pride in her voice.

"Thank you, Shepard. I've always loved my work as an archaeologist, and I still do. But I guess sometimes the paths we choose in our youth can lead to unpredictable goals in the future. I never imagined mine would take a turn like this, and yet… I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I wonder… Would I still be digging at some site if my mother hadn't been indoctrinated, if I hadn't been trapped on Therum… if I hadn't met you?" she smiled as if someone had told a private joke.

"It's strange – for all of us, so much is different now. Everything but you. You never change. You're still that incredible, unwavering creature who told me it will be okay even though I was locked behind an impenetrable forcefield, frightened and alone. The eye of the storm, where there is only silence and calm while outside the world is falling to pieces."

"Most of the time it's anything but silent and calm around me…", Shepard muttered half-sarcastically.

"Yes, you do have a persistent affinity to life-threatening situations. But I didn't mean it literally.", Liara said, looking thoughtful. "You would have made an excellent asari, Shepard."

"That's probably the greatest compliment you have ever given me." Her smile was a little sad. "But I'd disappoint you. I was nervous today… scared even. All the things I have done without hesitation, and yet I couldn't face my mate's family."

"You fear their judgement. But that's not all, is it?", Liara tilted her head and Shepard sighed.

"I grew up without a family, never knowing what that kind of bond feels like. People can hate their parents, but still sacrifice their lives to protect them. Kolyat resented his father for leaving him alone, but he could never truly turn his back on Thane. Tali begged me to keep her father's honor even though she was furious about what he had done. Everyone I know has some issue with their family, some loose end that they can't seem to get rid of. Even you, Liara. You're still angry with your mother. And you still miss her. Am I right?" The Commander's light blue eyes watched her carefully, but Liara didn't sense an intention to tear open old wounds.

"Turning your back on your kin is likely one of the hardest things in this world. No matter how much we struggle, they'll always be a part of us. Neglecting them means losing a fraction of yourself. You'll live, but… you'll never be whole again."

"You love them, even when you hate them.", Shepard said in a cryptic tone. "I can understand that. I feel likewise about the people I consider the closest thing I got to family. For me, it's the same, because I never had it any other way. But it may not be mutual… We're not related, I haven't married any of you, I didn't grow up with any of you. I'm not part of your real family." She walked away from Liara and hung her head, lost in deep thought.

"What if I'm just someone on the outside, looking in? A pretender, playing house… A fraud." She turned around, waving her hand dismissively.

"Did you know that Garrus never really got along with his father? There was a time when they didn't even talk to each other for months, even years. And that his sister blamed him because he was never there for their terminally ill mother? He doesn't talk about it much, so I had to piece it together from what little I know, and by reading the files on Hagalaz. But when they saw each other at the docking bay… those things didn't matter anymore. I had all these clever words prepared, and the moment they spotted me, my head went blank." Liara's eyes widened slightly when the realization hit her.

"You… have never done this before.", she said, bewildered.

"Is it really that surprising? I've been in the military since I was fifteen. And the N7 program is even more time-consuming.", Shepard tried to explain.

"But… you've _had_ other relationships. Like with Kaidan." Liara's voice sounded a little questioning.

"If you really call that a relationship, spending a few nights together… Then I've had a few, yeah. Only this is a whole different thing. This is…", her words trailed away.

"… the first time you are fully committed to someone. You're not a fraud, Shepard. Just afraid to do something wrong in a matter that is very important to you. Some of the gravest choices I can fathom rested on your shoulders, and you made them because you had foresight of the consequences, strengthened by experience."

"I can handle missing a target in battle, and I can handle people calling me 'disgraced' on the news. But I can't handle the thought of disappointing him. It's not an option." She made a resolute gesture to punctuate her point, a mannerism that Liara knew too well from their past journeys together.

"This isn't something you can rationalize for justification, or where you can rely on experience. That's not how relationships work.", Liara pointed out.

"So what do you suggest?", Shepard asked with folded hands.

"Well I'd consider telling the turian you are going to meet at the Silver Coast Casino bar in… about two hours how you really feel about his family. I'm sure he'll find a way to ease your worries. You should know best that a lot of problems can be solved by simply talking to each other.", the asari answered with a knowing smile.

"You're probably right… I should… wait a second, how do you know about that meeting? Did you set an agent on me?" Shepard raised her eyebrows in fake accusation.

"_I'm_ the agent set on you.", Liara said as they walked to the Armax Arsenal exit doors. Shepard couldn't hold back a small laugh.

"I guess I should feel flattered now.", she said, before the doors opened and they stepped outside onto the lively boulevard.


End file.
